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When you care about someone, getting hurt comes in the package.

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We live in constant change. We grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we get it right, we fall and we are still forced to get up, not just from an obstacle, but above all keep our heads high after any fall. It is a carnal and spiritual evolution.

We are born naive and ignorant, responsibility charges us all the time for productive experiences that generate maturity in our character and personality in the soul. In other words, nothing that happens is by chance. That doesn’t mean I’m a lucky person…

Luck. What do you mean by luck? Deserving of own attitudes or choices? Who knows, chance benefiting for unknown reasons? The universe conspiring in favor of true desires? Luck, a word that many say, but if you want to understand the meaning. Can we say that luck is a consequence? An aimless shot that hit the nail on the head? A cupid that hit the crosshairs? A very successful prayer? An unshakable faith? Persistence and determination? Luck, five letter word that can change a life. Will it be a hope? A reward? An alert? A slap in the face to wake up? Well, each case is different, but particularly with me, the situations are quite similar…

I have thought many times about giving up. In hiding for fear of facing, in staying on the defense and not going on the attack. I’ve already felt shame for all the frustrations, for deluding myself so much with loves and passions. I already gave up my heart, I exchanged emotion for reason. I’ve thought about being single forever. I’ve also doubted known relationships, I found other people’s misfortune funny. I’ve run out of time, and I’m still late. I’ve done the same thing many times, but I’ve changed the execution formula. I’ve dreamed of getting married, and I screwed up on the first try. I already declared myself for wanting too much, and let go when I got dumped. I have already offered roses, and only got thorns. I was once body and soul, now I’m skin and bone. I already gave a lot, now I just give back. I understand that everything has two sides and, when it is not reciprocal, it makes no sense to continue. Now I know the limit point, it’s not worth the wear and tear. My teeth are narcissistic, they like to be exposed. Make me smile, I show you all the love in the world. It’s like that with me, double compensation. I don’t like wasting time, need to win…

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Banal loves, those that teach us obvious lessons. Weak loves, who don’t have the strength to hold the bar. Fragile loves, which do not support the main base. Ungrateful loves, who do not see the prospect. Envious loves, which turn the relationship into a field of competition. Disguised loves, which are not at all sure. Idealized loves, which do not leave the paper for reality. Undecided loves, which do not advance in the game. Platonic loves, which only exist in the imagination. Possessive loves, who do not understand the importance of gaining security. Interesting loves, who only want material goods or reasons for their own interests. Selfish loves, who can’t take their eyes off their navel. Blind loves, who don’t see the facts as they really are. Eternal loves, who spend so much time thriving the future and forget about the present. Love, always love. So many loves… Each one in a way, all of them here inside me. Each one with its peculiar characteristics, but keeping the negative side more evident than the positive.

Life goes by quickly. I remain on the defensive of events. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say that I’m not looking for a love that disappears, that would be a lie. Deep down, we’re all constantly looking, even indirectly, for someone to do what so many others haven’t. Someone who has no vices or customs, or an old love hammering in the mind. I don’t want someone to be with me in bed, and with their heart in another tense. We are looking, even without ads or advertisements, for a simple love and without well-written descriptions. A love that arrives, crumbles and trembles. A love that wants to be, that prioritizes and doesn’t give up. A love that insists, that is loyal and sincere. A love that teaches with differences, and adds with similarities. A love that we can introduce to friends, and share with family. A love that reaches where no one has ever reached. Don’t promise, but do. That I can call my love, only mine.

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I didn’t do it all wrong. In fact, I have corrected my actions always aiming at happiness. Mine and whoever is holding hands with me. I keep it that way, kissing on the mouth and sometimes making plans with my body. Between four walls, or inside a church. Just sex, or involvement. A bicycle, or a wedding. Marriage is a word too far from my reality, I don’t even know why I’m talking about it. Single. This is my status by free and spontaneous psychological pressure. Unfortunately, we cannot know who will hurt us. But you have to choose someone to take the risk. When the shiver speaks louder and the heartbeat accelerates, it’s the signal I need to throw myself, surrender and bet what will happen. I already had my many fears, today I put the worry aside and I just want to be happy. With someone or alone, my ideals remain vibrant.

Take it easy, introduce yourself. Know my qualities, discover my flaws. What do you want from me? My clothes on the floor? A silver ring on the right hand or gold on the left hand? An instant or a lifetime? Speak the truth, don’t run away from commitments. Don’t play games. I’m dying of laziness about it. Be true to your own desires. But know, in all sincerity, that your decision will impact mine twice.

Think, think hard. Think almost until you are – almost – sure.

“What’s up?” – You ask me.

“Until when?” – I answer you.

Who doesn’t know how to take care, just doesn’t deserve to have it.

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If you can, change my status, my dear!

Jessica Pellegrini

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