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What is the true purpose of a relationship?

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I received a question in my email that said the following:

“What are some of the reasons you really want to be in a relationship? What should be the purpose of a relationship? What should your ultimate goal be?”

My answer:

It depends on what your point of view on “life” is.

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Conservative point of view

“The purpose of a relationship is to live within and maintain social structures, that is, to marry and have children.”

People with this goal in mind are those who are very concerned with “defining” the relationship so that they know “what it is” and “where we are going”.

Codependent point of view

“The purpose of a relationship is to find your better half; the person who ‘complements you’”.

These are the people with a “scarcity” mentality towards themselves and their lives, looking for external things – and people – to fill the void. This is often revealed as “romantic”, but it’s not healthy.

egocentric point of view

“The purpose of a relationship is to be happy” or “to grow as an individual” or “to meet my needs”.

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Fear-filled point of view

“I just don’t want to be alone” or “I’m afraid of dying alone”.

indifferent point of view

“There is no purpose.”

healthy point of view

The big problem with many of these reasons – happiness, status and security, commitment, sex, children, and avoiding being alone or dying alone – it’s that they all leave their life and emotional well-being in the hands of someone other than you; that is, something out of your control.

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With the reasons above:

Your happiness depends on someone else.
Your safety depends on someone else.
Your sexual satisfaction depends on someone else.
Your “life purpose” depends on someone else.
Your “wholeness” as a person depends on someone else.
Your lack of loneliness depends on someone else.

And what happens when everything goes wrong? Because other people are out of our control, and pouring a huge part of our emotional well-being into external things — like another human being’s decisions and behavior — is reckless at best. The only person you have complete control over is yourself.

Dependence is not love.

What if the purpose of your relationship was something unconditional and something you could take responsibility for? Such as:

  1. Practicing love – for oneself and for others
  2. Enjoying the great adventure called life together, with ups and downs

Both are within a framework of personal responsibility for our own emotional needs – never dumping them on the other. They emphasize our own ownership and responsibility in good times and bad.

And it’s really focused on:

Your efforts and responsibilities
Your partner benefits
Instead of the other way around. Many people focus on what they “get” from what they expect their partner to do.

Practicing love for yourself and others certainly makes life a little richer, and that’s probably reason enough to give love a good chance.

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