“I’ve been dating for 3 years, it’s a good relationship, we get along well and he likes me a lot. However, I’m never satisfied with the love he gives me, I always want more, in fact I need more and I don’t know what else to do for my boyfriend to give me more love, affection and attention. I would like tips to be more loved.” Reader, SP.
Imagine the scene, a woman rips out her heart and gives it to her boyfriend, and from that moment on he is responsible for pumping her heart and making it work, consequently having to guess her needs without respite and rest. The same situation happens when we put our happiness in the hands of others and we need the other to make us happy. It’s not fair to the other to carry so much responsibility, besides, no one in this world knows more about our pain and needs than we do ourselves. A very simple example that I see constantly in the office, are women who create “fanciful” expectations in relation to their boyfriend (desire for surprise gifts, flowers, romanticism). The result is a woman who fantasizes too much and will always be frustrated. We have to admit that he doesn’t have a crystal ball to know which bag out of the 5,000 that are in the store you would like, so imagine knowing the best way to take care of your heart. Besides, he already has his own life to take care of.
The woman who gives her heart to her partner creates a emotional dependence, that is if he leaves the heart will not be pumped and she will die. To prevent this from happening, the fear of loss becomes more constant. Demands and jealousy will enter the scene in a desperate measure to save the relationship and especially “the heart”.
In response to the reader’s email, I must say that there are no tips or magic formulas for other people to love us and pay more attention to us, because as has already been said, each one has their own life and care. It is interesting to realize that the need for more love reminds us of a chemical dependent who “always needs more” or a food compulsion where hunger is constant.
In the case of emotional dependence the love it is never enough and the only way to cure it is to increase self-love and lessen the need for the love of others. It’s not easy, it’s a long and sometimes painful job, but the result is independence, demonstrated in simple gestures. I’ll give you an example: A dependent woman will always put the other first and is often buying gifts (please not lose). Last week, I heard the emotional account of a patient who, after three years in a difficult relationship, went to the mall for the first time and bought her an imported perfume. It seems simple, without any importance, but those who suffer from addiction today know very well what I’m talking about. By the way, I get a lot of emails from readers looking for help. Most are women with low (or none at all) self-esteem, who submit to bad relationships. It saddens me to say that many of these women live with violence (verbal / physical) and unfortunately cannot end the relationship. It’s no use having laws that protect women who suffer from abuse if she doesn’t have the strength to denounce her partner, mainly because for many the fear of being alone and the fear of abandonment is greater than the physical pain of violence.
That’s why I repeat what I’ve been saying in all my texts: we need to love each other, and it’s not a little love, it needs to be at least enough to know what is good for us or what is not cool. We cannot beg for love, accepting any kind of show of affection as the ideal type of relationship. love each other!
Psychologist graduated in Brief Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy from FMUSP, owner of People Coaching and Organizational Development – a company focused on Coaching and Organizational Development and Training Projects. She performs care for adults and couples in an office and Online Psychological Guidance. CRP: 06/91301
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