The fear of being myself

I am scared.

It’s a different way to start a text, isn’t it? But it was the most honest way I could find.

We all have fears. Everyone has their own closet monsters, giant beings that appear in their darkest, most vulnerable moments.

Mine is quite frequent, much more than I would like.

Do you know what my fear is?

I’m afraid of not being accepted. Fear of not liking me the way I am.

It may seem strange to some, idiotic to others, unthinkable to most. Someone might feel the same way. I don’t know what goes on in other hearts, but I know what makes mine beat and stop.

I feel like if I’m ever honest with someone, they’ll never like me. She’ll walk away once she sees who I really am; running far beyond my reach.

I feel that if I verbalize my passions, I will be laughed at. That if I mention what goes through my thoughts, I will be judged, punished. If I get close enough to a friend for him to get to know me, a part of me is sure he’d run away at the first opportunity.

And I will be alone again.

I imagine if I tell about my past I’ll be damned. Sharing my biggest dreams, I will be barred. When I show my insecurities, immediately back away. Would anyone be able to approach someone full of cracks? They expect a whole girl, without so many fragments kept in her soul.

What would happen if it was really me?

Would anyone still stand by my side?

And if they leave, was it worth staying?

That’s what I ask myself every time I think about turning the page and writing my new chapter. I always hesitate on that same part.

Continuing in the safety of a lie or moving towards the insecurity of the truth?

Leave everything as it is or risk it and live my own life?

To remain in this terrain of false glass walls or to leap into the unknown, the depths of my own soul?

I am looking at that precipice right now as I write these words. Observing, searching, thinking.

I don’t know how it will be.

But the only way to know is to try, right?

And I’m tired of lies.

SEE TOO:

When you feel alone, talk to God

Vanessa Silvana