The best apology…is behavior change

A few days ago, I shared an image on our Facebook page that said “the best apology is behavior change”. Without advertising, without boosting, the image was viewed by more than 120,000 people. Which got me thinking about why. Why does this sentence resonate with so many people?

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In this text, then, we will analyze the phrase.

apologies

Anyone knows they make mistakes, when they make mistakes. Except for a monster, everyone has a conscience and after making a mistake, serious or not, they feel guilty. They may not admit it, but deep down there is this awareness.

I met a couple who, due to silly everyday fights, did not speak to each other for more than 30 years, living in the same house. At the end of their lives, they finally apologized to each other. I can think of no greater example of pride. It’s as if everyone always knew their own mistakes, but didn’t want to admit it. And, as the two grew up in a period where separation was unthinkable (even somewhat illegal), they didn’t need to admit it or get over it, because they would be married anyway – whether speaking or not.

What this example also illustrates is that apologizing has a function. If there is an error, if there is awareness that there is an error, but there is no need, why apologize? In other words, what is the function and what is an apology?

An apology, as we know, is a verbal behavior, spoken or written: “I apologize for having done that”… “I am sorry for having spoken that way”…

That is, they are words spoken by someone to some other or another. There is a certain relationship with guilt (ex-guilt). The other person may or may not accept the request. In all cases, an apology is just words. Perhaps the words contain a promise: “I won’t do it again.”

The change in behavior

A good part of clinical psychology deals with behavior change. And for this reason, it is of special interest to us clinical psychologists to know how behavior changes. Didactically, we can say that there are variables that alter acting.

1. Physical interventions: if a person uses some type of chemical substance that alters his central nervous system, he will, with a certain probability, have changes in his behavior. From a muscle relaxant to an excessively strong drug like crack, passing through alcohol, tobacco and coffee, specific substances influence.
2. Context or environment: the famous saying “tell me who you hang out with and I’ll tell you who you are” – although controversial – indicates that the social context can change behavior. This does not mean that everyone is fickle, but it is certain that we speak and act in a certain way with family, another with friends and another with strangers (just to exemplify).

Analyzing it from another perspective, we can see that behavior change occurs under two conditions:

1. Behavior influenced by contingencies: after having a hangover from drinking vodka, a person never drinks vodka again. In this case, the direct consequences bring about the transformation.
2. Behavior governed by rules: it is said that, initially, the ban on eating pork – among Jews – was a matter of public health. That is to say, it was recommended because of problems with the meat. However, the recommendation became a rule: “you shall never eat pork”.

One way to understand these two conditions is to think that we learn by experience and we learn by guidance, by hearsay (although rule-governed behavior can also be self-imposed).

The best apology

If someone hurts us, hearing an apology can ease the pain a little. However, if the person acts the same way over and over again and apologizes again, over time, the apologies end up seeming more and more empty.

And while the ideal would be to have the ability to forgive hundreds or thousands of times, you won’t always have the ability or willingness to do so.

Many times, an apology is accepted on the condition that what happened doesn’t happen again. If this is not done, a feeling of mistrust and perhaps even definitive distancing is created.

A business example. I once hired a monthly service from a large company. However, the company started to charge me – automatically – duplicate invoices. Within the first month I accepted the chargeback and the apology for the error. The second month the invoices were again duplicated, I canceled the service.

Through this example, we see that the non-change of behavior, in this case of the company, indicates the high probability that the behavior will be repeated in the future.

Conclusion

Dealing with people is very complicated because each person has their own life story, and each behavior is influenced by the combination of several factors. That’s why it’s impossible to control someone else’s behavior, no matter if it’s a close relative like a son or brother, a boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband.

But there is a way out. Everyone can control their own behavior to a great extent. We can wait 30 years to apologize, or not. We can choose a company that does what it promises and charges accordingly. We can also choose the people with whom we want to live and share the moments of this life.

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