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The 10 Relationship Commandments

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A team of American psychologists and experts working in marital therapy developed the Ten Commandments of Relationship.

I would like to review them here, as they bring a lot of wisdom to the lives and happiness of couples. It is easier to learn from the mistakes of others than from your own.

1. Never get angry at the same time.

At all costs avoid the explosion. The more the situation is complicated, the more calm is needed. Then, it will be necessary for one of the two to activate the mechanism that ensures the calm of both in the face of the conflicting situation. We must convince ourselves that nothing good will be done in the explosion. We all know well what the fruits of an explosion are: just wreckage, death and sadness. Therefore, never allow the explosion to happen. D. Helder Câmara has a beautiful thought that says: “There are creatures that are like sugarcane, even when put in the mill, crushed completely, reduced to bagasse, they only know how to give sweetness…”

2. Never yell at each other.

Unless the house is on fire.

Those who have good arguments don’t need to scream. The more someone shouts, the less they are heard. Someone once told me that if screaming solved something, no pig would die (…) Screaming is characteristic of those who are morally weak, and need to impose through screaming what they cannot through arguments and reason.

3. If one is to win in the argument, let it be the other.

Losing an argument can be an act of intelligence and love. Dialogue will never be discussing, for the simple reason that discussion presupposes a winner and a loser, and not in dialogue. Therefore, if, through our carelessness, the dialogue turns into a discussion, allow the other to “win”, so that it ends more quickly.

4. If attention is unavoidable, do it with love.

The other party has to understand that the criticism has the objective of adding and not dividing. Only constructive criticism makes sense; and this one is loving, without accusations and condemnations. Before pointing out a defect, it is always advisable to present two qualities of the other. This works as an anesthetic so you can apply the bandage painlessly. And pray for each other before approaching them on a difficult problem.

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5. Never throw past mistakes in the face of another.

A person is always bigger than his mistakes, and no one likes to be characterized by his flaws.

Every time we blame the person for their past mistakes, we are bringing them back and making it difficult for them to get rid of them. This is certainly not what we want for the loved one. Care must be taken to ensure that this does not occur during discussions. At these times it is best to keep your mouth shut. The one who is calmer, who is more controlled, should be quiet and let the other talk until he calms down. Do not fight back in words, otherwise the argument increases, and anything bad can happen, in terms of resentments, hurts and painful wounds.

6. Negligence with anyone is tolerable, except for the partner.

In life for two, everything can and should be important, because happiness is born from small things. The lack of attention to the partner is sad in the couple’s life and shows contempt for the other. Be attentive to what he says, to his problems and aspirations.

7. Never go to sleep without having reached an agreement.

If that doesn’t happen, the next day the problem could be much worse. Problems cannot be piled on top of problems without a solution.

Have you ever thought if you used the same milk jug you used the day before, to boil the milk, without washing it first? The milk would certainly sour. The same happens when we wake up without resolving yesterday’s conflicts.

The problems of married life are normal and demand attention and courage from us to face them, until they are solved, with our work and with the grace of God. The attitude of the ostrich, of flight, is the worst there is. With peace and perseverance let us seek the solution.

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8. At least once a day, say a kind word to each other.

Many have huge reserves of tenderness, but they forget to express them aloud. It is not enough to love the other, it is also necessary to say this with words. Especially for women, this has an almost magical effect. It is a tonic that completely changes your mood, mood and well-being. Many men have difficulty at this point; some because of education problems, but the majority because they still haven’t realized its importance.

How important are these expressions of affection that make the other grow: “I love you”, “you are very important to me”, “without you I would not have been able to overcome this problem”, “your presence is important to me”; “your words help me to live”… Tell this to the other in all sincerity whenever you experience his uplifting help.

9. Making a mistake, knowing how to admit it and apologizing.

Admitting a mistake is not humiliation. The person who admits his mistake proves to be honest, with himself and with the other. When we make a mistake, we don’t have two honest alternatives, only one: recognize the mistake, ask for forgiveness and try to fix what we did wrong, with the purpose of not repeating it. This is being humble. Acting like this, even our mistakes and falls will be levers for our maturation and growth. When we have the courage to ask for forgiveness, overcoming our pride, we almost completely eliminate the reason for the conflict in the relationship, and peace returns to the hearts. It is noble to ask for forgiveness!

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10. When one doesn’t want to, two don’t fight.

It is popular wisdom that teaches this. It will then be necessary for someone to take the initiative to break the pernicious cycle that leads to the fight. Taking this initiative will always be a gesture of greatness, maturity and love. And the best way will be “not to add fuel to the fire”, that is, not to feed the discussion. It is often through the silence of one that calm returns to the heart of the other. Other times it will be for a loving hug, or for a friendly word.

SEE TOO:

5 reasons why anxiety can get in the way of your dating and how to deal with it!

Felipe Aquino

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