Step by step to get out of an unhealthy relationship

There are times in life when we can find ourselves in a problematic relationship that, in addition to not making us happy, oppresses and hurts. What starts out well can often reach an uncomfortable or even violent point and this type of situation is much more common than you think.

Whether it’s a short-term or long-term relationship, dependency relationships can reach extreme levels, and when that happens, ending the relationship can be a very difficult undertaking. Only those who have been through an unhealthy relationship know the oppressive power it has even on emotionally mature people.

“Getting out of an unhealthy relationship may not be an easy task,” says psychologist Martha Ramos.

For her, even if the individual can rationally understand the reasons why he should withdraw from the relationship (which is not always the case), the person in this situation will easily tend to distort logic, make cuts from reality and then remain in something that, visibly, it does more harm than good.

How to identify an unhealthy relationship?

Sometimes we forgive too much or pretend not to see certain troubling attitudes in our partners. Some people may find certain mistakes common and others insist on looking for an explanation or even blaming themselves for the mistakes of the other.

The first step is to identify that your relationship has reached an unhealthy level and that it is urgent to break this involvement. In that case, this relationship should no longer be considered a love affair, but a disrespectful relationship that goes beyond what is acceptable.

Characteristics of an unhealthy relationship:

• An unhealthy relationship doesn’t make you happy. It’s oppressive, hurts and ends your self-esteem.
• Exaggerated jealousy. Cases where the other constantly searches your messages, social networks, phone calls and email. He may also constantly accuse you of flirting with other people.
• He is always suspicious of you and believes that you make up lies to avoid him.
• It gets in the way of your friendships by not letting you go to events or trying to get you to give up. He doesn’t like his friends and he doesn’t want to accompany you.
• When the relationship reaches a point where there is physical, verbal violence, or intimidation, it has certainly reached an unhealthy level that should be treated as critical.
• Possessiveness. You are to the other as a property and it is common for them to identify you as “mine” or “mine”. Overly possessive people want to be their main subject and constant priority.
• Hierarchy relationships. It’s when the other doesn’t give you openness to decisions or your preferences. He seeks to command you and expects obedience.
• Makes you think he made a mistake because of you. You get several excuses for being wrong, but it’s always your responsibility. It could be that he messed with your computer because you turned out too pretty. Or that he only has these attacks because you promised him eternal love.

What to do to end an unhealthy relationship?

Here’s a step-by-step guide that can help you end this relationship for good:

1. Put a final period

Get ready and end this relationship once and for all. Whether in person or even on the phone, make it clear that you don’t want more and use all your strength to fulfill the promise.

A sick partner will not want to accept the breakup and will use every possible weapon to convince you otherwise. He will make emotional demands, promise to change his behavior, even in the case of physical or verbal threats or vows of revenge.

It is important that you do not give in to these pressures at the risk of making the situation even worse. By accepting blackmail and threats you will be enhancing the other’s feeling of power over you.

In the case of threats and violent behavior it is important that you seek help from friends and even the police. It is certainly not a pleasant situation and there are many cases where complaints are not made out of simple shame. But if there is potential violence, you need to be on your guard.

2. Keep your distance

It’s no use being close when the intention is to end a complicated relationship. Even if the frequency is reduced, simple sporadic encounters can hinder the decision and the certainty of both of the need for the breakup.

It will be painful for everyone and it is possible that the other will not accept this distance and use emotional blackmail, such as loneliness complaints or meaningless innuendo to force dates. Don’t lose control and try to understand that the distance will be painful for both of you, but that it is necessary to reach the goal.

For Martha Ramos, if your partner presents a negative or unhealthy behavior, the distance becomes even more important and must be radical: “Each person will tend to a type of attitude, according to what has been established in the relationship and with the personality of each. Therefore, at this point it is essential to completely distance yourself from the other. Blocking on Facebook, email, cell phone, asking friends not to comment on events in their life, even those they believe will be motivating. Avoiding the places that the person frequents is also a crucial factor in being able to overcome this phase”, she emphasizes.

3. Don’t give way to relapses

Accepting a reunion can make you once again unsure of what you want, in addition to throwing away all the result achieved, even if it’s just a little. It’s not uncommon for partners who have been left to promise a new behavior if they’re accepted back, which in most cases doesn’t actually happen and can leave you confused.

Martha points out the importance of keeping the distance and explains that a relapse is enough to go back and put everything at risk: “It is essential that you manage not to be affected by certain behaviors of the other to get their attention. The other will definitely feel threatened by your absence and the change in attitude, this will likely lead to more drastic attitudes, potential threats and even that behavior you’ve always feared, like going out with an ex and posting the photos on Facebook for you to see, for example.”

4. Ask friends for help

To get through this confusing and painful moment, it’s important to be able to count on people we trust. Ask your friends and family for help, explain the situation and count on their support to resist. The view of people outside the relationship, but who know the story, can be relevant to your decision and even show you angles you hadn’t noticed.

5. Seek specialized psychological help

In every relationship, both parties are responsible. Pointing out the culprit for every problem is certainly not going to help resolve the situation. Even when the difficulty is related to possessiveness or even violence, the victim often has his share of responsibility, whether for forgiving many times, closing his eyes to certain attitudes or other reasons.

“First of all, it is worth remembering that for an unhealthy relationship to exist, a couple of people are needed, there is not just one person responsible. In general, both ‘get sick’ and feed this relationship with all their strength. To get out of this type of relationship, the first step is to assume that this is not a healthy relationship”, adds Martha.

If you have the possibility of looking for a psychologist to be able to start a treatment, this will be a great help. He will certainly be able to help you identify what led to the illness and consequently help you avoid falling into this same pattern. But don’t forget that the therapeutic process also depends on you, it is necessary to want to heal to be healthy again.

What if the person doesn’t accept the breakup?

In the most critical cases, when the other does not accept the end of the relationship at all, it will be necessary to have perseverance and maintain your security. Total removal is the most essential. Each case will have time to heal. If you have that possibility, even an extended trip is worth it. Cut off all communication with the other and don’t let him get information about any aspect of your life, even the smallest.

The unhealthy jealousy and the charge caused by addiction can cause the person to create several hypothetical stories that end up increasing anger and distorting the whole reality. As stated above, in cases of threat or violence it is essential to seek police assistance.

When we enter into a relationship, we are looking for happiness and love. Giving up what is bad is a necessary attitude to open possibility to the things that are good for you. Psychologist Martha Ramos concludes by suggesting that this process should be considered as a treatment: “As much as it hurts, make an effort to remember how much the relationship also hurt. There is no incentive here to maintain feelings of anger or resentment towards the person, as stated above, the relationship is of two and certainly both suffered from this illness.