Platonic love: why it happens and how to deal with it

Count the minutes to see that special person; being happy just to be in her company; say goodbye and, minutes later, already be “dying with homesickness”; share plans for the next weekend and also for the future… Some say that loving and being loved is really one of the best feelings!

However, when love is not reciprocated, the situation is usually different… It often causes suffering and can lower a person’s self-esteem.

And while it’s not the only one, platonic love is a type of unrequited love. It is associated with the idea of ​​an unreachable, distant, impossible love…

Most people have heard about platonic love, however, few really know what it means and still, most believe that it is an exclusive feeling of adolescence.

Ceci Akamatsu, graduated in biology and in various modalities of energetic and holistic therapies, an aquatic therapist, Personare specialist and author of the book “For love to happen”, comments that, when the subject is platonic love, the person usually refers to the adolescence, a time of passion for idols or the most popular girl or boy, the oldest person, teachers, etc. However, it can also occur at other stages of life.

“Generally, platonic love is more associated with women, because there is still, even if only unconsciously, the belief that it is the man who should seek the woman. The woman often waits to be reciprocated, while the man actively seeks validation of his love. With that, the woman ends up creating in this waiting a platonic love”, explains Ceci. “But whether male or female, we are subject to platonic loves, at all ages. People with this more withdrawn attitude, less proactive in their affective life, as in the case of shyness, end up being more subject to platonic love,” she adds.

After all, what does platonic love mean?

Ceci explains that the term platonic love originates from the work “The Symposium”, by Plato, which brings a philosophical dialogue about the definitions of love. “Several faces of love are addressed, however, it is Socrates who brings love as the search for the beautiful and good. That would be a search for what you don’t have, for what’s missing,” he says.

“Once you conquer love, you don’t want it anymore, you don’t love anymore, however, you start to desire what will come to be, that is, the love you still don’t have at the moment, what you lack. . With that comes the idea of ​​the search for love that is always beyond our reach”, adds the specialist.

Platonic love is usually associated with the idea of ​​an unattainable, impossible love. “This distance and impossibility can be due to age, social, cultural differences, prejudice, or simply an internal barrier of insecurity and fear of rejection”, highlights Ceci.

Why does platonic love happen?

Ceci explains that one of the characteristics of platonic love is admiration for the loved one. “We put the person on a pedestal to idolize him, dreaming and daydreaming about what love would be like. It is an idealized love, lived in illusion,” she says.

The specialist emphasizes that, in general, one admires in the other precisely what the person would like to have in himself. “That is, we admire what we consider to be lacking in us. Thus, we end up looking for in the other what we can’t find a way to make emerge within ourselves: beauty, joy, intelligence, wealth, etc. ”, she highlights.

Who is more prone to platonic love?

It is worth remembering that platonic love is more associated with women, due to the belief that it is always the man who should seek the woman. In this sense, some women may wait to be reciprocated, creating in this waiting a platonic love. However, this is far from being a rule, since men can also live platonic loves and anyone, at any age, is subject to this.

Ceci cites some factors that can end up triggering the tendency to platonic loves:

• shyness;
• Fear of rejection;
• Old traumas, among others.

“However, we will always find the root of fears and insecurities in the lack of self-esteem and personal power”, highlights the specialist.

Ceci explains that self-love brings a sense of self-worth, the ability to see and assume oneself, both in terms of positive and negative aspects. “We usually relate self-esteem to being beautiful, but it’s much more than that. Accepting your own flaws and weaknesses is essential for high self-esteem. Personal power is closely linked to self-esteem, as it is represented by our strength and perseverance, by our ability to stand firm in our truth, even if it goes against circumstances and the outside world”, he says.

Can platonic love be harmful?

But, after all, is there a problem with wanting an “impossible love”?

Ceci explains that if the person stops living life and affective relationships to feed on platonic loves, this can be a sign that they are running away from the challenges of love in real life. “It can represent a resistance to get rid of the concept of perfect and idealized love, and to live real love, full of challenges”, she says.

In the virtual world, according to the specialist, it is possible to observe many of these platonic loves, which despite being reciprocated and seeming to be possible in real life, are experienced in an illusory way. “We create illusions that are very close to reality, as they are on the threshold between reality and illusion. They are illusions disguised as reality, which feed a false filling of love. In other words, they are also loves lived in illusion and that keep their ‘what’ of platonism”, she adds.

In this context, Ceci emphasizes that the person can assess whether it is a specific case of platonic love or whether they live most of the time in platonic loves. “In the second case, it can be of great help to seek therapeutic help, to help strengthen personal power and self-esteem, and thus begin to live in a more real and less idealized way”, he explains.

Stories of those who have lived platonic loves

Beatriz Silva Mantoni, 28, a publicist, says that for many years she lived platonic loves. “At the time, of course, I didn’t realize it, although some friends tried to warn me. I was only interested in people who were clearly ‘unreachable’ and I completely avoided ‘real’ relationships, that is, if I found out that a certain boy was interested in me, I told myself that I couldn’t get involved with him because I really liked the other one. that was ‘unreachable’”, he says.

Beatriz says that, today, she sees very clearly the reasons that led her to develop these platonic loves. “I was extremely insecure, especially with my appearance. I didn’t believe that any boy could be interested in me for a long time… So it was much easier to invent impossible loves, so I didn’t have to deal directly with a possible rejection”, she explains.

“It took me a while to understand all this, I can say that until I was 23 I lived platonic loves, but today I see everything as an experience… .

Kelli Sanches, 30, a teacher, reports that she also lived through some platonic loves. “When I was 14, 15 years old, I was only interested in much older men, who didn’t even know I existed. After a few years I started to relate (at a distance) with boys over the internet, who I never got to know… It took me a while to meet someone I was really interested in and with whom I could also live a real relationship”, she says.

How to avoid platonic love

Looking inside yourself and answering some questions can help you realize if, by any chance, you have been attracted to platonic loves: “Have you ever been in love more than once with unreachable people?”; “Do you believe it is very difficult to relate to another person?”; “Does the admiration you have for the person you’re in love with make you ignore other not-so-positive traits about them?” etc.

“If we are always observing ourselves, seeking to strengthen our self-esteem and personal power, seeking within ourselves what will fulfill and satisfy us, this helps us not to look for all this in the external world and in the loved one. With that, we reduce the chances of creating a platonic love”, concludes the specialist Ceci.

After all, the best of all is shared love. The relationship that goes through good times and also through bad times, but which, above all, remains on the real plane.