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Do you know where you are in my contact list? In favorites. When I put my cell phone on “do not disturb”, you can call me and he will play. You are that notification that I wait for with the words: “I got home” or “how was your day?” or “how are you?” or “I miss you, I miss you”. And I wouldn’t mind if it played at 4 am – and you know I hate being woken up. You are that contact on my cell phone that I care about, that I care about and want to take care of. You are not my little thing, you are my favorite notification. And until this morning, I thought it was reciprocal.

Today I found out that I’m just another piece of your extensive schedule and that you’re not content with little. You are a collector of contatinhos and illusions. Then it hit me. I started to realize that I’m the one for the end of the night, to heal the emptiness that others bring you, and not the one you remember because you enjoy my company. I ended up understanding that you always come back when I walk away because you don’t accept losing, not because you miss me. I thought that in the end, the rest was rest and I had a certain preference in his life. My mistake. My mistake was believing that you would be enough for me, but I want much more than that crumb of yours. And look, the mistake is not yours, it’s mine, for deserving to be more than a little thing.

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I placed too much expectation on an empty heart. I invested my shares in an exchange that had no value. I was wrong to waste my time believing that you were the protagonist of my love story. I don’t want to be on anyone’s agenda. I came into this life to love, to be loved, to experience reciprocity at its highest level. I don’t want those weekend loves, ballad loves, late night loves. I want loves that last, that are worth while they last. I want to live what I never lived. I want someone by my side to give me affection, after all, affection sometimes goes well, Caetano would say. My heart is not a playground for anyone to go in, have fun and then leave when they get tired. It was made to welcome, warm and love those who are willing to stay. I want someone with whom to share my days, my fears, my life, my stories. I want someone to share my Netflix bill with and not find my eclectic Spotify playlist bizarre.

halves? Half terms? No, I don’t deserve it. I deserve more, I deserve someone complete. Someone who gives body and soul to me and my feelings. Someone who prefers 80 to 8. Someone who makes me believe that love exists and can be lived, yes, in this time of competition for who has more contatinhos. You can’t insist on someone who leaves me with more doubts than certainties. Someone who asks me to be more present and at the first opportunity, becomes absent.

Today I found the hole in this leaky canoe and managed to save myself from this shipwreck. After all, I can’t swim and you don’t know how to be anyone’s lifeguard. And then I, who was so motivated to be your anchor, when the tide of life wanted to take you down. I didn’t die on the beach, thank God.

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Remember the beginning of the text? When did I say you were my favorite notification? Well, yeah, I deleted your number. Sorry, now you have a little less. And I? Free to save another number. It doesn’t matter to me how many contacts I have, if only one person values me. And before I forget, ooo my angel, cross my little thing off your agenda.

PS: Now whoever is in do not disturb mode is my life. Don’t disturb the head and heart of someone who is too much for you.