Jealousy: the digital world has created a legion of distrust

Érica Assis, 27 years old, tourismologist, from Belo Horizonte, had been with her boyfriend for six years when she started to think he was distant. Asked if something was going on, he denied it. “I decided to download a spy program to discover your Facebook password. I read old conversations and nothing. So I joined the page with him online. Done and done: at work, he commented to a colleague that she looked pretty, the girl went on to describe the caresses she would give him and he said he was excited.” The story of Roberta Lordelo, 36 years old, an administrative assistant from Cruz das Almas (BA), did not have a happy ending either. In bed, right after having sex with the now ex, she took a look at what he typed so much on WhatsApp. The message: “Hi, I miss you”. “He confessed that he met a woman on the Badoo website and they ended up having sex.”

Infidelity has always existed, but networks and apps have facilitated communication and meetings – official or extramarital. WhatsApp messages are even used as evidence of cheating – which happened in 40% of divorces in 2014 in Italy, according to the country’s Association of Matrimonial Lawyers. Felipe Lacerda, a private detective in São Paulo, has lost count of how many men and women look for him suspicious of what their partner does on the web: “Many ask me to tap WhatsApp, which is impossible”.

The old flirtations in the office or in any environment that escaped the reach of one of the partners today happen in plain sight. just one follow (follow), insistently liked posts, dubious interpretation comments. The more time the partner spends on the social network, the more insecure the other feels. Understandable. In front of the screen, people tend to be more uninhibited. Face-to-face is more difficult, for example, complimenting the weight machine user next to you. Already commenting on the photo of the body on Instagram… “Some researchers claim that the internet creates a scenario without equivalent in the world offline (disconnected)”, says psychologist Cristiano Nabuco de Abreu, coordinator of the Internet Addiction Group at the Institute of Psychiatry at Hospital das Clínicas, in São Paulo. “We talk about cybernetic psychology. Our digital persona tends to be more intense and sexualized, and relationships gain intimacy much faster than outside that environment.”

In addition, people from the current and former social circle are always present. “Before, if the relationship ended, you didn’t hear from the ex anymore”, exemplifies the psychoanalyst Christian Dunker. “Now even your first love is on your Face, just a click away.” The same goes for the co-worker, the friendly neighbor, the former client… “The network boom has changed the dynamics of relationships”, says Cintia Cristina Sanches, psychologist and collaborator of the Pathological Love and Jealousy Program at Hospital das Clínicas de São Paulo. Paul. “Posted messages and the partner’s behavior in relation to the cell phone are the first reasons given by patients complaining of jealousy.” Many seek therapy because they can’t stand their own anguish. “I had a patient who went to the bathroom with her husband to make sure he wasn’t going to write to someone and delete it later”, says Cintia. According to a study by the University of Guelph, Canada, women are the most jealous in this type of situation.

modern flirts
In this troubled online landscape, not all answers to the question “Am I being cheated on?” come down to “yes” or “no”. The new configurations brought other ways of communicating – inadmissible, in the view of some; and forgivable, for others. These are situations that call for an exercise in interpretation. “Exchanging erotic intimacy through private messages and not going beyond that is infidelity or not?” asks Dunker.

Not everyone who flirts by typing takes romance to life unplugged. There are those who are satisfied with sexting – the spicy conversation, or virtual sex. According to a study carried out in 2015 by Drexel University, in the United States, with 870 participants between 18 and 82 years old, 88% said they had practiced sexting at least once – and, among those committed, 12% admitted to having exchanged this type of sex. message outside the relationship.

Luana M., 29 years old, publicist, from São Paulo, caught a conversation between her then-boyfriend on Skype with a woman. “She’d send him flirty pictures and he’d say things like, ‘I want to fill that little neck with kisses,’” she says. As he said that those conversations were just fun and that they never went beyond that, she relieved. “Only years later, when a betrayal came to fruition, did I break up.” When surprised by the erotic conversations, Luana didn’t think that real and virtual betrayals had the same weight. “For me, getting turned on that way was like watching a porn movie. But I don’t think so anymore, because if it made me sad, it was just as disrespectful as if it were physical.” In the United States alone, almost 80% of divorces between 2013 and 2014 were motivated by cyber affairs, compromising relationships on the internet that went into reality or not.

It is up to the couple to establish the rules for what they consider virtual infidelity. “Each one will define their limits and their moral code”, says Nabuco. Renata Maransaldi, psychologist and coach, from São Paulo, usually asks patients what kind of relationship and partner they want. “Is it okay if he flirts on the internet or must it be someone who doesn’t cultivate this habit?” Knowing each other’s passwords or keeping them secret is also something to combine.

new detectives
Stalkear is the English word for investigating what someone is doing on the web. For Renata, believing that it is possible to control the steps of the other is an illusion: “Messages are erased, histories are deleted. The tracked cell phone could have been left in the drawer while the owner went out to meet someone.” Before succumbing to installing a spy program or logging into someone else’s email, consider whether it is worth invading your partner’s privacy in this way. “If you are suspicious or if comments received or made by your husband on the internet bother you, frank dialogue is still the best way out.”

Also because, where there is smoke, there is not always fire. “Those who watch over the acts of the loved one usually act like this because of a depressed personality, insecurity and low self-esteem, and that is what needs to be treated”, recalls Cintia. But not everyone is ready for this self-analysis. “Many times, obsession fills these jealous people, who can’t stop looking because they get some enjoyment out of it. I’ve had patients who used to do this all day long and, when they actually discovered the betrayal, they were lost, not knowing what to do”, she says. Exaggerated jealousy still brings suffering to the spouse. Let Larissa Laviano, 28 years old, social analyst from São Paulo, say so. “He was messing with my cell phone while I was sleeping and was suspicious of everything.” Several times, Larissa came home and found him messing with her Facebook profile. “Then the questioning began: ‘Who was this post for? And this comment?’ I tried to calm him down, but it was no use. This paranoia was one of the main reasons for the end of the relationship.”

Thus, when recognizing an unusual interest in the partner’s online activity (and vice versa), it is worth proposing a conversation. If all is well – or if one of the two, in the searches he couldn’t resist doing, never found anything too much – it’s healthy to question the motivation for this distrust. Understand your space and respect that of others, both online and online offlineare the basis of a mature relationship.