Is your husband jealous of you with the baby?

The new member of the house needs full-time care and imposes a sudden change in routine, attracting all the spotlight to you. That’s when many men (and even some women) begin to migrate from initial enchantment to a far less positive emotion: jealousy. Teacher Estér Gomes Martins, 34 years old, from São Paulo, knows this route well. “My husband, Júnior, was always very attached to me and did not accept the idea of ​​sharing attention well, even if it was with his own son”, she says. There was suffering for everyone. Junior was all complaints and bitterness and, in the first years of Cauã, he kept his distance. Later, when the boy questioned why his father didn’t play with him like his uncle did with his cousin, the penny dropped and Junior made an effort to reverse the situation.

leaving the corner

Although the mother’s first reaction is to feel wronged in the face of the father’s dispute for attention, the male ward cannot be blamed alone. “Many women experience the arrival of the baby with such intensity that they put their husbands aside. The man understands that he has no role to play in relation to his wife and child and feels excluded”, says psychotherapist and psychiatrist Eduardo Ferreira-Santos, author of the book Jealousy – The Bitter Side of Love (Ágora). This perception, according to him, can trigger negative attitudes, such as anger at the child and distancing from the family.

The mismatch between fathers and mothers also stems from the fact that the woman is naturally more prepared to accept and supply the total dependence of the baby. From the first doll, we began to get acquainted with the idea. Not counting the nine months of pregnancy. “Pregnancy is an exercise in motherhood. In it, the woman lives joys, fears, anguish, and matures, as she learns to deal with changes that are beyond her control, such as those of the body”, says psychotherapist Lidia Aratangy, author of Novos Desafios da Convivência (Rideel) . During this period, the baby’s arrival becomes something absolutely concrete for her, while the man perceives it only as an abstraction. “For them, fatherhood is suddenly imposed, the moment the little one is placed in their arms”, she says.

To complicate matters, first-time parents have to digest the new situation on their own. After all, everyone around is busy with the child’s questions (and pampering). The way forward, therapists assure, is to encourage paternal involvement. And then you go into action. The ideal is to start from pregnancy. Inviting her husband to accompany her to prenatal consultations and ultrasound exams is an attitude that creates openness to later involve him in trips to the pediatrician and in the child’s routine. “Being pregnant together reduces the risk of the man feeling left out and, consequently, becoming jealous of the child”, teaches Antonio Carlos Amador Pereira, psychotherapist and professor at the Pontifical Catholic University of São Paulo.

If this bridge was not created back then, it is necessary to be flexible to change the situation, making room for his participation in the care of the baby, but without forcing the bar or being imposing. Even because there are times when only the mother’s lap solves it. Also, avoid playing the mommy know-it-all. You know that story that men don’t do things so well (or so fast) and that, therefore, it’s better to manage alone? Forget it! And once she’s left a task in his hands, control the urge to correct him. “Otherwise, the father gets discouraged with so much criticism. Letting him act his way won’t harm the child and even teaches him that there are several ways to act in the same situation”, guarantees Lidia.

mismatched desires

In addition to insecurity about one’s own importance in the family, the fear of being rejected as a man is another stimulator of male jealousy. It happened to the husband of Kátia Batista, 35 years old, director of a factory in São Paulo and mother of Marcela, now 4 years old. At first, he was just a cuddler, but as the changes took hold, the girl went from being a darling to an uncomfortable presence. “Marcelo wasn’t hard on words, but he did things like putting my hands on his head so that I would pat him when I found myself caressing our daughter”, says Kátia. More than the attention, now divided, she realized that the imbalance point in the marriage was the lack of sex. “We were coming from an excellent intimate moment and he didn’t like that we reduced the sex to once a week… when he could.”

The fact is that, in this period, men and women experience desire in different and sometimes even conflicting ways. The mother’s routine is exhausting, physically and emotionally exhausting. For the father, the requests are more subtle, with a truce between crying spells, diaper changes and long feedings. “It is natural then that he is much more willing and interested in having sex than the woman”, says Santos. Once again, reestablishing complicity is essential for the relationship to move forward. Kátia, for example, equipped herself with patience to show her husband that she was also giving up moments and needs, but that it was a transitory phase. She got results. After the conversation, Marcelo let his guard down, proved to be less impatient and even helpful.

away from the spotlight

Although they are rare, there are also situations in which jealousy comes from the mother. In this case, after nine months of being cared for by her husband and family, she may feel uncomfortable when her husband shows enchantment for the puppy. Low self-esteem, reinforced by body changes, leads women to imagine that they have lost their place. “The mother must reinforce within herself two important perceptions. The first: the father’s admiration for the baby is nothing more than an extension of his feelings for her. The other is that mother and child do not compete for the same position. So, there’s no reason to get into a competitive mood, blame the child or put the man’s love to the test”, adds Lidia. If it seems impossible to see the situation positively, the help of a therapist is welcome. Even because, when the baby is about 2 years old, maternal jealousy can be aggravated by the feeling of being in the background in the child’s life as well. From that age, the little one depends less on the exclusive care of the mother and tends to approach the father. Now that he is discovering the world and gaining autonomy, the child wants a company that encourages him to develop his skills. “Because they are less overprotective, men transmit greater confidence in their children’s ability to overcome obstacles and then they have an advantage”, explains Lidia. But there is always room for everyone in the relationship. “The secret is to get rid of the weight of comparisons and understand that receiving different attention does not mean being less important”, adds Pereira. With that, three is never too many. It’s fantastic!