A story is told in which a man came to his master and said:

– I don’t love my wife anymore, what should I do?

And the master answered him:

– Just love her.

As old as the formula is, we still have a hard time understanding it. The romantic vision of overwhelming, extraordinary and inexpressible love does not match reality, and the lack of this understanding causes great suffering in the lives of many people. What causes this whirlwind of emotions is passion, which, unlike love, is ephemeral and irrational. Confusing love with passion is extremely dangerous.

Love is a feeling and, as such, it could not be easily understood, however, when we understand it as the result of our own choices, everything changes. The words of the master of the story above, whose author I do not know, refers to love as a verb, that is, as an action. In the book “Dialogues on affectivity” by Ivan Capelatto we find the following definition: “…we learn to love from the moment we are born and the way we are going to be taken care of by the people who wanted us”. Love can, therefore, be learned at any time of human existence.

And for those who disagree, claiming that love is a natural feeling, it is worth reflecting: you cannot control feelings, but it is possible to control the reaction they provoke. It changes everything! Love is a learning process that includes attention, care and empathy, provoking maturity and disposition. Love is one of the most important decisions, as it takes us out of “life as it is” and includes us in the group of those who design their own lives.

Some of the situations that commonly cause pain can thus be seen in a different light:

Read Also: Is it love? See 12 attitudes of yours that show if you are truly in love!

1. The option to maintain a loveless relationship

A love relationship is defined by name, that is, love is essential. There is no point in maintaining a bond that truly does not exist, but it is totally feasible to dedicate yourself to loving the other, which, as we have already said, can be learned. Of course, for that, it is necessary to determine to love; the will is the fundamental element for the work of rebuilding a love life.

2. Suffering from unrequited love.

Love is not something that can be discarded or ended; who truly loved one day, will always love. However, this feeling can change through the decisions we make in life. As much as romantics associate love with suffering, the real thing is exactly the opposite, so when love causes suffering it needs to be rethought. Those who love know how to love themselves first and, therefore, understand that they can transform that feeling, turn the page and rebuild their own lives.

The truth is that we develop action plans to achieve everything we want and we dedicate ourselves to it, but for love we want it to just happen. However, we can and should create behavioral strategies that facilitate our best love performance, so that our relationships are more harmonious and happy.

The effort is well worth it!