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How to survive the 5 most dangerous periods of marriage

Writer Robert Stephenson once said, “Marriage is a long conversation, interrupted by arguments.” Sooner or later, every couple faces a crisis in their relationship, and that is absolutely inevitable. The good news is that once this hurdle is overcome, spouses reach a new level in their relationship and find new ways to be happy together.

O awesome.club is convinced that there is no need to fear marital crises. They are an indicator that relationships are developing. The main thing is not to give up and look for ways to overcome these difficulties. After all, once you’ve promised this person that they’d be together “for better and for worse,” it’s time to show them that those words aren’t empty. We recommend that you follow with us this list of the most difficult crises in a relationship to be fully prepared if and when the time comes.

One year of marriage: “stage of consciousness”

Singer Pink proposed to her boyfriend. A year later they broke up… Then they got back together! Now the couple has 2 children.

Family therapist Rita DeMaria of the Pennsylvania Relationship Center (USA) defines this crisis as “stage of consciousness“. Normally, it appears between 6-12 months of living together. The first charm of love diminishes, and it is possible to see the couple in a real light: with all their weaknesses and habits, which are not always pleasant (although, fortunately, you ignored them before.) “It’s time to learn teamwork,” says the expert.

What to do: If you didn’t talk before the wedding about the most important issues like finances, kids, family visits, free time and the like, it’s time to do that. It pays to tell each other everything related to your values ​​and priorities. It is likely that they do not coincide on all points, and so they should look for a compromise. At this stage, it is very important to reach firm agreements on the “hottest” issues.

3-4 Years of Marriage: Dangerous “Comfort Zone”

Madonna and Sean Penn’s marriage only lasted 3 years, but in their interviews, they say they still love each other. Maybe they rushed the divorce, or not?

A study among 2000 married British couples revealed that after 3.6 years the spouses begin to pay less attention to each other, prefer to sleep more often and more sporadically express their love for each other. The couple enters the “comfort zone”: on the one hand, it is a wonderful feeling of relaxation and security, but on the other hand, certain unpleasant things are produced, such as the open bathroom door and untidy clothes to stay at home. Although 82% of couples surveyed said they were happy with their marriage, nearly half of that total would like their partner to be “more romantic.”

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What to do: Salvation passes through being able to keep the flame. Often say sweet things, praise. It’s not always worth expressing to your partner everything you think about him. Sometimes it would be more advisable to remain silent. If you think the issues are important, start the conversation carefully, without blaming him. And most importantly, look within. Marriage grows when each person looks at himself from the outside and understands what contribution he makes (or doesn’t make) to the relationship.

5-7 Years of Marriage: “The 7 Year Crisis”

“Friends” star David Schwimmer and his wife Zoe Buckman, after 7 years of marriage, announced a break from their relationship. Fans trust it’s just a temporary decision.

In Western psychology, there is even a term known as “the 7-year crisis.” This is one of the most critical periods in a marriage. At this point, the couple already has a well-established lifestyle, clear relationships, and most spouses interact as if they are on “autopilot”, which is a big mistake. Because of the routine, the interest and sexual attraction between them diminishes. It seems they already know everything about each other. The future prospects of marriage are vague. Sometimes couples decide on the first (or second) child to “save” the relationship, but it’s worth remembering that the child is an independent person, not a lifesaver.

What to do: Family therapist and writer Robert Taibbi of the University of South Carolina (USA) proposes the following:

Keep communication open. Use less formalism like “Well, how was everything?”, “Fine”, add more emotion and sincerity. Solve problems as they arrive, don’t “sweep them under the rug” where they collect the most dust and eventually return from. Listen to yourself. Periodically assess your general state, update your list of needs and future vision. Share these thoughts with your partner. Talk about the prospects of your union as a couple. What are your plans for the next year, the next 5 and the next 10? Again, the key here is being open and honest.

10-15 Years of Marriage: The “Difficult” Age

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green nearly divorced when their relationship reached 11 years. Even so, the couple found enough strength to reconcile. Now they already have 3 children.

According to research, 10 years is the most complicated time in a relationship. Nearly 2,000 married women surveyed in the United States rated the eleventh year of marriage as the most difficult. At that moment, a woman has a very heavy burden: she must simultaneously accompany the school issues of the children who are already a little grown up, those of the house and, in addition, work. Because of lack of time, the quality of relationships deteriorates. A man may fail to see his wife as an attractive and desirable woman. According to some statistics, the average duration of marriage in European countries is approximately 11 years. In Brazil, according to the IBGE, the average duration is 15 years.

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What to do: The good news is that if you get over this crisis, after 15 years of marriage, relationship satisfaction will gradually increase over the next 20 years. In this critical period, it is important to be aware of everything, including your own behavior, and to deal with difficult situations with humor. It is very important to laugh together often. Do not start to get angry over trifles, calmly react to your partner’s mistakes. Lower your expectations. Yes, your marriage may be far from perfect, but is it really that bad? Focus on the positive aspects of your (and your partner’s) relationship.

20-30 Years of Marriage: The Midlife Crisis and the “Gray Divorce”

Danny De Vito and Rhea Perlman divorced after 30 years of marriage, which came as a shock to fans. However, a year later, they realized they had made a mistake and reconciled.

The 20-year marriage crisis is greatly influenced by the midlife personal crises between the spouses. The so-called empty nest syndrome can also increase when children grow up leaving their parents’ home. The spouses are left alone again, as at the beginning of the trip. Both may feel that the marriage has run out because the main mission has already been accomplished. In the United States, psychologists call such a divorce, which occurs after 20 or more years of marriage, a “gray divorce,” as the spouses sometimes have gray hair. This kind of separation has increased, unfortunately.

What to do: It’s time to look for new meanings for your existence as a couple. If the spouses for a long time hid the problems in the marriage while raising their children, now that they are alone, the conflicts will only get worse. But there will be time to resolve them. This is an excellent opportunity to renew the marriage, says Beverly Hyman, author of a book on the subject. O coach Steve Siebold, who also writes on the subject, recommends not neglecting yourself, playing sports together and creating new goals for the couple: traveling, starting a business, language courses, something that allows you to carry out a new and unforgettable experience together.

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Unusual advice for overcoming a marriage crisis

A psychologist, specialist in family relations Mort Fertel believes that the generally accepted recommendations to save the marriage, such as “share your feelings with your partner” and “visit a psychologist together”, don’t always work because they don’t explain what, concretely, we have to to do to overcome the crisis.

Here are some unusual recommendations from Fertel for saving a marriage:

1. If necessary, take responsibility for saving your marriage yourself. It is generally believed that a relationship can only be maintained when both are willing to work together on issues. “Efforts, even by just one person, can change the dynamics of a marriage, and they are often what motivate a strong-willed spouse to join the process of maintaining relationships,” says Fertel.

2. Don’t ask yourself the wrong questions. You shouldn’t ask yourself, “Did I choose the right person as my husband/wife?” The key to success in marriage is not finding the right person, but loving the one you’ve found. Because love is not a matter of luck, it is a choice.

3. Separation pushes a couple away, not closer. The separation that is supposed to “refresh” feelings in marriage (especially during a crisis) can only further distance one another. While the objective is the opposite: to get closer again.

4. Talk less about problems. Talking about marriage problems doesn’t solve them, it exacerbates them. Talking about a problem does not mean solving it. Speak little, do a lot. Look for real ways to resolve difficulties.

5. Don’t think that the psychotherapist will give you magical answers. Psychotherapy sessions help spouses to express themselves and understand the other’s point of view, but they do not provide an answer to the question of what to do to save the marriage. As a result, some couples are very disappointed in therapy.

6. Don’t tell your family and friends about a crisis in your marriage. “One of the most important values ​​in marriage is confidentiality, so it’s a mistake to talk to your family or friends about your marriage or your partner, which is a violation of your spouse’s confidentiality, and that’s wrong.” says Fertel.

Bonus

In 2017, one of Hollywood’s strongest couples, rock star Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary. In their relationship there was everything and they were still able to keep their love.

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