How and when to tell your child that he is adopted

Adopting is undoubtedly an act of love, which transforms not only the adoptee’s life, but also the adopter’s. However, naturally, it is an act that carries its responsibilities – and, among the main ones, is the need to “open the game” and talk about adoption with the adopted child or adolescent.

This is a topic that causes many doubts and even fears in people who have already adopted or are considering adopting. “How and when to tell your child that he is adopted?” is the big question.

There is certainly no standard answer, as each case is unique, but it is a fact that telling about adoption is a necessity. So, keeping this in mind is the first step to acting and doing everything as naturally as possible, exactly as it should be.

Telling about the adoption is, above all, allowing the child or adolescent to know their own history and, thus, be able to live with it, without trauma or taboos. As much as, depending on the case, at first, the information may shock and even generate certain annoyances, it is worth remembering that the truth is always the best way.

When to tell the child that he is adopted?

It is difficult to speak of an appropriate age or time, as each case has its particularities. But it is a fact that the sooner the adopted child learns the truth, the better!

For Lizandra Arita, psychologist specializing in clinical and institutional, this should be a normal, natural process, which is part of the child’s life, from a young age, in a metaphorical way. “One should not wait for a specific moment, such as a ritual or a special celebration, to be told. It should be a topic talked about seriously, but not as a taboo,” she says.

“Ideally, it is naturally told to the child that she is not a biological daughter, that she was born from another woman’s belly, but that she came to this family and is considered a daughter, she was just not born through biological means”, adds the psychologist.

In this sense, it is interesting to “fit this issue when it fits”. When the family is watching a movie that talks about the subject, for example, Lizandra comments. “When they go to pray, if they do this ritual, parents can take the opportunity to ‘thank the person who brought the child into the world’, etc. That is, they can find ways to set examples, talking about adoption in a true, light and transparent way, without it being heavy”, she guides.

“I always teach mothers to do this too, firstly, through the unconscious part, that is, when the child sleeps, during the night conversation. As soon as the child sleeps, in the first few minutes, the mother approaches the child’s ear and explains the situation. He asks forgiveness for something bad that has happened, says he loves the child very much, that he accepts him as a daughter, says that the child can naturally accept this condition, with love, with gratitude, with full acceptance, without rancor, forgiving”, he adds. the psychologist.

It is worth noting that, depending on the age of the child, they may still not clearly understand the subject. But, even so, it should be introduced into the family’s daily life, because, over the years and the child’s maturation, this will probably have made all the difference, and he will begin to better understand the whole context and deal naturally with it. the fact.

From the age of two, for example, children start to listen with more interest to the stories that are told, a great opportunity for the family to continue using fictional cases as an example, such as children’s characters from cartoons or movies that were adopted. and they are much loved and happy in their families.

And when the child is older?

Is it still “possible” to count? Certainly! “I think the truth fits always and everywhere. Above all, because it is the story of the person. I believe she has the right to know from her parents what her own story was like. I think dialogue works in all situations”, highlights Lizandra.

“However, if you leave it to tell about adoption in adolescence or, if in adolescence the child begins to question, connect the dots and find out for himself, it can be very complex, because adolescence is a time of great emotional instability and revolt”, comments the psychologist.

Therefore, the need to talk about the subject as soon as possible is reinforced. But if, for whatever reason, this hasn’t been done yet, it’s time to reflect and do it. If parents are very insecure in this process, a good tip may be to look for a psychologist or other professional who can help them in this important and necessary task of opening up and telling the truth to their son or daughter (who is no longer a child little).

The possible reactions of the adopted son in the face of the truth

It is impossible to predict how the adopted person will react, not least because it all depends on the age at which the child was adopted, the current age and the circumstances in which the truth was revealed. But generally speaking, she might react in the following way:

To be scared, to feel rejected: “It may be that the reaction is not so good, of course. Mainly, if she’s never heard anything about it before, she might get scared, she might feel rejected, she might feel fear and insecurity,” says Lizandra. “However, it is worth speaking frankly and welcoming the adopted child, showing that he is a son, that love is the same, that this is his family and that everything will continue in the same way as before”, she adds.

Feeling anger: “If the adoption situation was not talked about from the beginning, in a natural way, and respecting the child’s history, it may be that the child feels angry. And the more angry she feels, especially during adolescence, she may want to look for her biological parents to attack, offend and hurt her adoptive parents, because she knows that this is the great point of confrontation. She knows that’s what adoptive parents can fear,” says the psychologist. “So, the ideal is not to let this delicate time come to open the situation, because the reactions of adopted children can be aggressive and hurt a lot”, she adds.

Feeling confused, but welcomed: Especially if the truth was spoken naturally to the child from a young age, the tendency is that he will have a good acceptance… you will likely feel gratitude and happiness for being where you are today.

Question: The child or adolescent may want to know more and more about their history; about who her biological parents are, trying to understand why they put her up for adoption… At this time, the best way is dialogue, talking openly about the subject and showing the love she receives from the moment she was adopted.

These are just some of the possibilities, remembering that each case and the personality of the child or adolescent are unique.

For Lizandra, patience and love are keywords for the family to deal with the most varied reactions that may arise from the adopted child. “They must show the child that they are still there, giving everything they always gave, supporting and welcoming”, she says.

The psychologist also highlights that adoptive parents should also leave the situation open in case the adopted child wants to meet their biological parents, after all this is part of her story. “Some questions are latent in the minds of adopted people and are very recurrent: ‘why did you reject me, why didn’t you want to stay with me, what did I do wrong to abandon myself?’… These are very painful questions and the child needs to elaborate something internally to be able to live well with herself and with her adoptive family”, explains Lizandra.

After telling the truth, regardless of the child’s age, parents should be open to talking about it again if they want to. After all, once again, dealing with information in the most natural way possible, without making it a taboo, is the best way for the whole family to understand and live together.