From 1 to 10: How would you rate your relationship?

Specialists in couples therapy assure that patients come to their offices when the relationship is deteriorating, long after they begin to think that something is no longer working. So, if we can restore our common project, why not make an assessment before letting it get to this point?

Assessing our relationship to try to find out where we failed and what are the elements that generate the most tension between us can be the key to finding solutions in the short, long and medium term.

Try to answer this test yourself, and then compare them with your spouse’s answers to find out, if any, what motivates the constant exchange of insults or the lack of agreement on some issues.

1- How are our expressions of affection? Are they more frequent or increasingly scarce? How many times a day do we kiss?

2 – What are the reasons why we argue more often? Is it usually because of housework, kids, or money…? In these discussions, do we lose control of our emotions? How often?

3 – Do we generally agree with the plans we make in our free time? Who usually gives in if there are different plans? How much time do we dedicate to the two of us a week?

4 – How is the relationship with the other’s family? Do we normally agree to set our boundaries as a couple in relation to them? Does the family’s opinion have much relevance and prevail over ours?

5 – How often do we have sex? Do we take care of sex life? Do we see, in it, other ways of communicating?

6 – How many times do we think we should separate? How often do we think we can’t live together anymore? Honestly, is it time to turn to couples therapy to get our lives straightened out?

7 – Do we share the same religious belief? Do we pray together? How often? Does our faith help us to see the other as someone who needs to be taken care of?

8 – Do we talk about more transcendental topics than those referring to everyday life? Do we feel that we share a complicity that would be impossible to achieve with someone else?

9 – Do we have any projects in common? Are we capable of giving in for the good of the other and the couple? Would we be able to give up something decisive for each of us if it jeopardizes the stability of our union?

10- Are we satisfied with the relationship? We are happy? From 1 to 10, how would we rate our relationship? Do you believe that the situation they are in can improve?

Some of these questions were inspired by the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS), the method most used internationally by couples therapists to assess the quality of a relationship.

Since its creation, in the United States, in 1976, the 32 questions that appear in the test have served for specialists to know where the differences are and the origin of the tension in coexistence. The original test measures the degree of consensus, the satisfaction we feel in the relationship, cohesion and affective expression.

Being cohesive in matters of great importance in our relationship is vital for us to be happy. Without looking for commonalities and without each part of the couple giving in to some personal part to seek that common ground, over time, the distance will become greater between them.

Let’s outsmart the force that can tear us apart. Let’s help each other adopt postures instead of being indifferent about what separates us. We judge ourselves a lot in every decision, in every discussion, in every word spoken at the wrong time.

The Dyadic Adjustment Scale includes a score according to our responses, however, without a doubt, the best qualification is not the one we have now, but the one we want to get to. And that is what we must keep in mind each day, not the circumstance from which we set out.

The relationship is a distance race, and at each stage, we will not have the same answers. Therefore, keep these questions and, at the frequency that you determine, answer them again.

Each day, we grow stronger together, and that is so much greater and more valuable than if each of us did it in private. When we first entered our house smiling, no one said that there could be tension in the hallways, nor that, in our minds, injuries would arise that we let loose and hurt much more than any blow. But if someone tells us about teamwork and the exam to see the beginning of the way to go, we will certainly find the strength to improve our life together.

Our unity will generate in us a satisfaction that is impossible to achieve if each one looks at himself without observing the path together with the other (what has already been walked, the present and what remains to be covered).