First time: how to start your sex life in a healthy way

The first few times can be scary. Whether it’s the first day of school, the first kiss or the first time having sex. This happens because, according to the psychologist and sexologist Fernanda Cassim, unknown experiences take the human being out of his comfort zone and cause fear.

But don’t worry, the best way to relax and enjoy the moment is to work on self-knowledge and seek information, whether from a professional, on reliable sites or exchanging experiences with friends who have already gone through this. To help you, Cassim talks about the 11 most common questions women have about the first time. Follow up!

1. Does it hurt the first time?

Pain is one of the main fears when having sex. Losing one’s virginity is generally a matter understood within the straight and cisgender pattern. Therefore, when talking about the first time there is a penis-vagina penetration, the sexologist explains that there may or may not be pain, depending on some aspects.

“In general, as the vaginal canal has not been explored before, it is natural that there is a little discomfort”, informs Cassim. However, in addition to the physiological factor, pain and discomfort depend on the level of relaxation, tranquility and self-knowledge. “So, there are physiological issues and emotional issues involved to know if it will hurt or not”, concludes the sexologist.

2. How should I prepare?

First of all, the psychologist clarifies that, far beyond breaking the hymen, the first time needs to be understood as the moment in which the woman decides to enter an “active, mature, pleasure and self-fulfillment” sexual life. Thus, information is the keyword for this preparation.

In his speech, Cassim makes clear the importance of emotional preparation, much more than physical. Therefore, some practices, such as reading about the subject, if possible, seeking support in therapy and exchanging experiences with women who have already lived through this are fundamental for a good sexual initiation.

Finally, it is essential to trust and feel comfortable with the other person. Talk and be honest, because you also need to know “how comfortable the other is to be part of this important moment”, concludes Cassim.

3. Is it normal not to be able to have sex the first time?

“Yes, very normal!”, the psychologist says right away, then continues with an example: “Imagine that this is an experience never lived before, in the case of someone who has not had trauma or has not been abused. So think about when you go to an amusement park to ride a roller coaster for the first time. Sometimes you give up. Because it is a new experience, it brings something from the unknown”.

So don’t worry, fear, shame and apprehension are normal feelings at first times, whether sexual or not, and if you’re not ready to get over them yet, try to welcome them with affection and don’t feel guilty. “Maybe it’s healthier if you don’t do it if you don’t feel completely comfortable,” explains Cassim.

Regarding women who have suffered abuse throughout their lives, whether sexual, emotional or other type of violence, the psychologist warns that, for people with this background, sex can be seen as a trigger and the entry into an active sexual life can become even more difficult. Therefore, the professional advises seeking specialized psychological help.

4. What happens next? Does the body change?

According to Cassim, the information that the body changes due to sexual activity is one of the biggest myths on the subject. “There is a lot of taboo and a lot of misinformation, right? One thing has nothing to do with the other.”

According to the psychologist, this association occurs because, as the first time usually happens in adolescence, the body is naturally changing. “And, at that time, a lot of people connect it to sexual relations”, concludes the professional.

In addition to the body’s natural changes, another factor that reinforces this idea is the use of contraceptives. “As you have an active sex life, now you may be taking contraceptives and it will interfere with the body. So, in fact, the body changes a lot, however, more for other issues that involve sexual activity than for the sexual activity itself”, explains the sexologist.

5. Can it bleed?

According to Cassim, the loss of virginity goes far beyond the rupture of the hymen – a structure in the vagina that normally causes bleeding. However, many people still understand the first time as the moment when a woman experiences penetration, in this case, “yes, she can bleed, but this is not a rule”, points out the sexologist.

The professional explains that there are different types of hymen, such as the complacent one, which does not break the first time. And even women who break the structure but do not experience bleeding. “Even because the hymen is not, as one might imagine, a complete membrane. It already has its fissures and holes”, explains Cassim.

6. When should I have my first time?

The first and most important information you need to know is: the first time should only happen when you want and feel ready. “It shouldn’t happen because of external pressure, out of curiosity, because the partner wants to or because the friends have already done it”, points out Cassim.

According to the psychologist, entering an active sexual life is a totally individual and subjective moment. It is ideal that it happens in a calm way, without guilt, without fear and after being well informed.

And why be so careful with this moment? The sexologist explains that “many girls, when they have the first time without having this tranquility, end up having traumatic relationships that do not bring pleasure”.

Cassim says he understands that maybe no one will ever be 100% ready to face the unknown and reinforces that fear is a normal feeling in new situations. However, women and girls should not worry about the first time from external rules and impositions. Listen to your body, its wills and respect them.

7. Preventions

If you feel like you’re ready to start your sex life, don’t skip this topic! It is only possible to fully explore your sexuality if sex is safe. The main form of prevention is the condom, the famous condom, “which can be male or female, which is a little more difficult to find”, explains the psychologist.

Condoms are the safest way to avoid STIs (sexually transmitted infections). Whether it’s your first time or the thousandth time you’ll have sex with a partner, use is essential, as it prevents infections such as gonorrhea, genital herpes, syphilis, viral hepatitis B and C, HIV infection, HPV infection , among other health problems.

If you are looking for another way to prevent pregnancy, the sexologist lists some contraceptive methods, such as “contraceptive, hormonal patches or the hormone chip, known as Implanon”. She also indicates associating two methods of protection, such as condoms and another of those mentioned above, thus ensuring effectiveness to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

8. Is it necessary to have penetration the first time?

No! That simple. Cassim, once again emphasizes the idea that losing one’s virginity is the beginning of an active, healthy and pleasurable sex life. The notion of a first time with penetration is conceived within a hetero and cisnormative vision, excluding other possibilities of relationships, such as lesbian couples, heterosexual couples with a cis girl and a trans boy, the multiple forms of LGBTQIA+ couples, as well as women who do not feel pleasure in penetration.

When you make the decision to start your sex life with partners and explore your sexuality, whichever way you choose, that’s it, you’ve had your first time!

9. The importance of self-knowledge and masturbation

According to the sexologist, the basic premise for a good relationship with the other is to know yourself first. Hence the importance of masturbation. This, when done in a healthy way, “is the activity in which the person can get in touch with pleasurable points of their body, get to know what gives them pleasure, know how to indicate how their body reacts to each touch and each stimulus”, he says. Cassim.

The professional raises an important point: how to communicate to the other if you don’t know what you like? Cassim guarantees that starting your sex life knowing your body facilitates communication and, consequently, you will “feel at ease and surrender in a relationship for two”.

10. Care and affection for the body

Finally, the sexologist says that “we can only enjoy it fully if it is in a safe way, taking care of our body and the body of the other with affection”. Try to be understanding with yourself, with whoever you want to be part of your sexual initiation and with all the fears and insecurities inherent in the moment.

Be sure to seek specialized help, whether with a therapist, at school, with your parents or guardians, if you feel that your doubts have not yet been resolved. The best way to have your first time is with information and support!

11. Importance of performing exams

Regardless of your sexuality, the psychologist emphasizes the importance of having periodic exams. “Let’s take care of our intimate health, let’s do the pap smear regularly”. Boys should also “have periodic checkups to let their partners know they’re doing well with their sexual health,” Cassim warns.

The Brazilian Unified Health System (SUS) offers STI exams free of charge in Basic Health Units (UBS) and in Testing and Counseling Centers (CTA) throughout the country. Check the unit closest to your home and be sure to carry out this check annually. Also, don’t be afraid to demand that care from your partner too!

As Cassim explained in the text, information is the key to a smooth and safe first time. For further information, read about the clitoris, the female pleasure organ.