Do you know how to differentiate a problem from a conflict?

Most of the time when we face interpersonal problems, lack of success in resolution is just a matter of “definition”. When we face a difficult situation, our negative emotions are triggered and sometimes cloud everything that is important, leading us to total paralysis in the face of the difficulty. Suddenly we feel trapped, suffocated, we can’t find solutions but… what are we facing? Facing a conflict may not be an easy task, but we can emerge stronger from it.

Without a doubt, throughout life, we will encounter situations that challenge us. In those moments, our ability to resolve conflicts will help us overcome the setback or encourage us to seek help.

Do you know what a conflict is?

These are two (minimum) different points of view regarding the same situation. It is not more than that. Therefore… How many conflicts do we go through throughout a day? Conflicts surround us, they live with us, they are part of being human and they are also a powerful source of learning… if they are well focused. As Freud would say: “If two individuals always agree on everything, I can assure that one of them thinks for both”.

Therefore, we have to accept them and know how to manage them. But what is the solution to a conflict? The obvious is sometimes the most important: Conflict resolution is as simple and as complex as “reaching an agreement.”.

Sometimes we get entangled in eternal discussions that do not lead to any conclusion, just because we are “right”, when in most cases “the reason” is totally secondary. Almost all conflicts we face can be resolved through agreement. In most cases it is a discussion based on one’s own convictions that has nothing to do with what is happening. Therefore, giving up our position a little to reach a common agreement may be a possible solution.

The agreements imply that the two parties, it must be emphasized: both, must renounce some concepts, some priorities, to achieve the common good… Every resolution has consequences, but those consequences do not invalidate the agreement, That is to say: I face each other, negotiate, and lose one part while gaining another. The part I lose is only a consequence, therefore it does not have the power to shake the agreement.

Internal conflicts

But what happens if the conflict is internal? It seems more complex, but in essence it is the same structure: I have two different points of view regarding the same situation, so what am I trying to do? The answer is the same: yes, reach an agreement. Diving inside ourselves and finding out which solution is best for us will help us find the answer we are looking for. Although sometimes, the best long-term solution is the one that involves the greatest sacrifice in the short term.

To do this I have to evaluate alternatives and make a decision, even if it entails consequences that involve losses. The losses are acceptable, since the profits will be valued together and the balance would be positive. Therefore, what good is self-punishment or self-criticism? You are welcome.

It’s a matter of accepting and validating the consequences. As in conflicts that we resolve externally, we encounter gains and consequences that we must accept. ANDIn internal conflicts the same thing happens: the consequence is inherent to the resolution, Therefore we must accept it and not punish ourselves with it contaminated by emotion.

The resolution is carried out free of emotion, cold and evaluating the alternatives. Therefore, the criticism that comes from accepting consequences is not only unnecessary but also avoidable. It is known that sometimes you have to decide with your heart, however, this is not always the case. While emotion can lead us to perpetuate a toxic relationship, the mind tells us that it is time to leave said relationship. Hence On many occasions, we must put aside emotion to think coldly about what is best for us..

But… then what is a problem?

We understand by problem a situation that arises and “at this moment”, has no solution. Then what do we do? We return to the obvious and no less important: find the solution. In this case the first thing is set a goalwhere I want to go, what is my objective, what I want to achieve.

Once the goal is established, we put into practice the possible alternatives to achieve the solution to our problem, we evaluate them, we weigh them and then we get started. As in conflicts, emotion acts as a paralyzing enemy.

Sometimes the resolution will be simple and other times not, but that does not mean that our goal is no longer valid. The road may be difficult, but we will be constant if we know where we want to go. The important thing is to draw a clear path and follow it, correcting the course as many times as necessary if necessary.
However, just as two types of conflicts appear (internal vs. external), we find two types of problems: those that have a solution and those that do not. We already know what to do with the first ones, but what about the second ones? Can we do something? The answer is yes, and it is called acceptance. Accepting that a problem has no solution will free us from unnecessary extra discomfort. Without a doubt, we can have a bad time, but if we fight against the inevitable, we will only increase our discomfort.

We cannot solve the loss of a loved one nor can we recover something that was lost… but Yes, we can accept reality and make its impact on our emotions smaller, Only in this way will we generate new alternatives.