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Disappointment: How to Deal with the Pain of Frustrated Expectations |

One of the main causes of emotional pain is disappointment. It is perhaps one of the most intense pains, because it stems from the expectations we place on people we trust, whom we like and from whom we expect loyalty, fidelity and fair treatment.

Disappointment can lead to a state of nonconformity so great that the individual can spend years of his life obsessed with finding reasons why he was betrayed in his most sincere feelings. He wants at any cost to understand why someone in whom he placed so much trust ended up acting in a way to destroy, to tarnish all the good feelings that the offended man had in him. And a whole story of goodwill is compromised, giving rise to a serious feeling of injustice. It’s like something dies inside you.

Delusions can change a person’s personality forever

There are countless reasons that cause disappointment, and the consequences can compromise the way a person deals with life situations:

A child who finds out that his parents are not biological parents and that they kept the adoption a secret can become a distrustful, withdrawn, insecure person; Someone who has always trusted that their partner would never break the fidelity agreement may become unfaithful as a way of getting revenge or protecting themselves from further disappointment; The abrupt and unexplained breakup of a relationship that seems to be going well can leave someone adrift, triggering a lot of anger on the one hand and a lot of guilt on the other, paralyzing the person left behind. That person will spend a lot of time trying to find the reasons for that attitude; The employee who believes he is absolutely within the company’s rules and performing his role well can enter a whirlwind of disillusionment when he is passed over for a promotion or dismissed from the company. Without understanding the reasons, he may stop believing that his commitment is worthwhile; Parents who believe they have done their best for a child can end up living in guilt when he turns his back on them, going to live in disagreement with all the guidance he received; Children who were partners with their parents can end up in a deep disappointment when they discover that they were the target of gossip and backbiting by their parents. Here, trust disappears, and the son fears being stabbed in the back by people close to him.

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Expectations created, expectations dashed

Certainly, we have all experienced disappointments, whether with parents, co-workers, a sibling, with friends, with a partner, with an employee or employer, or even with a politician. As I said earlier, disappointment always exists due to the expectation we create around someone or an entity. We don’t always consciously realize that we create expectations; what happens is that we expect from the other the same attitude that we believe we would have if we were in his place.

What we lose sight of is that the other is not me, not you.

Many people, with the intention of protecting themselves, for example, end up taking actions that hurt others, and these, in turn, will be disappointed because they cannot understand the mechanics of thinking originated by betrayal, gossip, breakup or by breach of trust . But that doesn’t mean that those who are victims of this behavior have to understand, instead of being disappointed. Disappointment is practically inevitable in certain cases. Each person brings in their life story a series of concepts and countless beliefs. Each one has its own character and personality, with unique ways of understanding life, and governs their attitudes accordingly.

What to do when disappointment happens?

Letting yourself be carried away by the pain that accompanies this feeling ends up causing more pain. All actions we take in the heat of overwhelming emotion usually lead to regret. Anyone who is immersed in anger or hurt is turning pain into suffering. Who lets revolt say that the other ?deserves? experiencing the same pain that he caused, he may be carried away by an attitude of revenge and not realize that he ends up being equal to his aggressor.

By making a self-criticism, we do not choose to remain in a passive victim position and, at the same time, we can make sure that we do not absorb blame that does not belong to us. As in the face of an episode that causes disappointment, we are taken by a thousand unanswered questions and by several conflicting feelings, the best thing is to do absolutely nothing until the first impact is absorbed. Calmer, we can start by looking at ourselves, taking the focus off the person who let us down.

It’s good to go through the path we took in that relationship – be it personal or work – to assess what, in our attitudes, may have provoked the attitude of the other.

It is important to try to distance yourself from the facts, to analyze the real importance that those involved have in your life, to verify that your anxieties in showing that you are being the victim of an injustice are not related to the fact that you want to preserve the image you have of yourself. . By doing this honestly, it becomes easier to decide which path to take. Don’t be in a hurry – a long reflection is healthier than a thoughtless attitude.

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Paths to overcoming

There are several alternatives to appease the heart, although not all of them are likely to materialize. If it is possible to talk to the person who let you down and if you understand that this relationship is worth rescuing, do so when you feel calm enough. It is your right to ask the other the reasons for his attitude, it is healthy to reveal your feelings. But if you create expectations of a wonderful outcome, you run the risk of being disappointed again.

If you prefer to write about how you feel, do that. But read and reread your email or your message. This will also give you the opportunity to review your feelings and reasons for approaching the person. It is an exercise in self-knowledge. Likewise, don’t wait for an answer or an apology. After all, your goal should just be to reveal the impact the episode had on you. This person may not want to talk to you, may be aggressive when receiving you, may make excuses for having acted the way he did or may, at best, reflect on what he did and eventually accept that he did not have the right attitude.

If the offense was serious enough to tarnish your reputation and cause you personal or professional harm, legal action may be in order. Consult a lawyer and make sure you are covered by the law. In parallel, take care of your emotional well-being.

Avoid sending messages, avoid saying how you feel on social networks. This attitude, in addition to being immature, will not resolve your issues.

No one should be the spokesperson for your feelings, and social networks only serve to expose, not just yourself, but other people, causing discomfort and inducing friends or colleagues to take sides with one or the other. If you are feeling hurt, if you are disappointed with someone, act frankly, directly and discreetly: the matter does not concern anyone else.

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The aftermath of a hurt or angry confrontation can be dire and never-ending. But when you give time for the pain of disappointment to settle down, even if the “aggressor” closes the doors for dialogue, the most important thing is that you are at peace with yourself. Don’t want to understand everything if you don’t have the opportunity to clarify, as this will frustrate you. Maybe, up front, you can gain the understanding that, after all, this breakup was beneficial to you.

On the other hand, there is always the possibility that the doors are open for clarification and understanding. When people disarm, the chances of resuming – if they so desire – are always greater and more promising. In case something has broken in the relationship due to disappointment, even if there is an enlightening dialogue, there will remain the encouragement of one more learning experience.

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