9 Psychologists’ Magic Phrases for Less Capricious and More Obedient Children

All parents have a repertoire of phrases they often use to communicate with their children. “Don’t cry!”, “stop doing that!”, “sorry immediately!” and others similar. Most of them usually say this to make their children more obedient, polite and disciplined, but often the effect is the opposite. A child, in response to these demands, may begin to behave even worse, disobeying and becoming more capricious. Nobody likes to hear threats or take strict orders, not even the little ones. And from there arises a very natural resistance.

At the awesome.club we have selected magic phrases that psychologists recommend using to communicate with your child. If you use them, he will find it much more pleasant to respond to your requests and your relationship with him will improve, facilitating mutual understanding.

Increase the child’s attention to the pleasant moments that await him after he has finished his homework. Instead of resorting to threats and punishment, emphasize positive phrases and promise that something good awaits you.

“Car salespeople often use this scheme: ‘When we come back from the test drive, you can choose the interior colors.’ They don’t even ask if you want to test drive the car.” it says Alicia Eaton, a hypnotherapist and linguist. Based on that, this publicity gimmick can work with kids too.

Consciously pretending to your child that you’ve forgotten how to perform an action he doesn’t really like is a great tactic. If you are going to brush your teeth, take a brush and start moving it around your eyes, for example saying “I forgot how to do this, show me?” The child will laugh and correct you. So you turn a boring process into a fun game.

If the child has ignored or forgotten some of your instructions, you can also play “memory loss”. Ask him: “It feels like I said something to you 5 minutes ago, remember what it was? I can’t remember,” advises child psychologist Shelly Phillips. In this way, the child will remember what he still needs to do.

When the child again asks you to buy something or let him play “a little more” with the cell phone (even if he has exceeded the time limit), you will have to say “no” once, and then to every reiteration, to whining and complaining, responding in a calm voice: “You asked me, I answered”. That way, you avoid arguments and shouting, establish clear rules, and strengthen your authority.

If you constantly resort to this phrase in response to inappropriate requests from your child, your child will be less inclined to complain, grumble and try to manipulate. Of this, family relations coach Lynn Lott is convinced.

Instead of scolding a child for crying or complaining, help him solve the problem. You can say: “let’s think about what can be done”.

If your child is old enough and you want her to learn how to deal with difficulties on her own, in response to her complaints it is worth asking, “Are you saying this to change the situation?”

If the child often says “I can’t!”, for example, “I can’t understand math!”, reply: “you still haven’t found the right way to do this exercise”. “The idea is to shift the conversation from what your child can’t do to what they can,” explains Alicia Eaton.

Ask in a way that the child has already agreed to dress, as if he or she only needs to choose the color of the shirt. “Create the illusion of choice for the child,” advises Alicia Eaton. This method works in many cases.

If you don’t want to do a complicated task, give her the option of when to do it: “Do you want to work on your school assignment today or tomorrow?” If your little one squirms at the table, ask, “Do you want to try the salad or the burger first?”

If the child does not put down the cell phone: “Where are we going to put your phone to rest so we can enjoy lunch, in the hallway or in the bedroom?”.

“Bribery” does not teach the child that he must sometimes help Mom and Dad to please them and keep order in the house. It’s better to say, “thank you so much for helping me clean!”

“When we offer our sincerest gratitude, children are really motivated to help,” says Shelly Phillips. And if your child doesn’t want to help, remind him of what he did: “Do you remember taking out the trash last week? Helped me a lot. Thanks!”. So let him come to the conclusion that the help is fun and really helpful.

Another question that invites help is the following: “Who wants to be the chef’s first assistant in the kitchen?”, instead of the demanding phrase of “help me in the kitchen!”, teaches the author of some books on positive education, Rebecca Eanes.

“Stop running”, “stop misbehaving”, “stop yelling”: children do not understand these guidelines well. Their brains are programmed to do what adults tell them to do, not what they don’t have to do.

When you say “stop running”, the child only perceives “running”. It is better to simply say: “walk quietly” or “your legs are tired and want to walk slower”. So you just let her know what needs to be done. “Also, your instructions will sound more positive,” emphasizes Katie Mertes, pedagogue and master of early childhood education.

Young children are taught to apologize long before they truly regret their wrongdoings. The apology acts as something that calms adults down because it’s polite, but studies reveal that the standard word “forgiveness” doesn’t teach children to be more sensitive.

Instead, it is much more productive to teach a child to act to help a person he has wronged. If you broke another child’s sandcastle, help build a new one. If you hit someone, the next step will be to look for ice. When children realize that their actions have real consequences and demand more than a simple, formal apology, they are less likely to repeat their mistakes, while also learning to empathize. Of that, Katie Mertes is convinced.

Alicia Eaton suggests putting yourself in your child’s shoes with the phrase “I, like you, understand that…” and “You, like me, understand that…”. Examples: “Do you, like me, understand that it is easier to do homework at a tidy table?”; “I, like you, understand that ice cream is more delicious than soup, but your teeth suffer, like before”; “just like you, as a child it also took me a long time to choose what to wear to the party, which is why i used to be late”.

“The ‘just like you’ model is useful for establishing dialogue and can improve both your child’s self-esteem and mutual understanding,” explains Alicia Eaton.