7 types of emotional blackmail, how to spot it and deal with it

Emotional blackmail can affect people’s mental health, so it’s important to know how to identify it, in addition to knowing what types there are, what are the most common phrases said by those who do it and how to act to get out of a cycle of emotional blackmail and toxic relationships. For that, keep reading and check out what psychologist Karyne Santiago (CRP 06/161451) has to say on the subject.

What is emotional blackmail

The psychologist comments that “emotional blackmail is characterized as psychological pressure. Basically, it is when an individual manipulates situations to obtain psychological benefits from someone, whether emotional, material or cognitive.”

In addition, she also explains that through behaviors, speeches and actions that have a threatening tone, sometimes veiled, the person who commits this type of blackmail awakens in the victim the feeling of guilt, remorse, fear, insecurity. The relationship ends up being based on accomplishments and punishments causing a lot of psychic suffering for the victim.

Types of emotional blackmail

Karyne also teaches that there is more than one type of emotional blackmail. It is important to know them, as each one has different nuances. Check out more details below:

• Blackmail guided by the promise of reward: the psychologist explains that it is the famous “if you do something for me, I will give you what you want”. It may seem harmless, but when it comes to blackmail, one should always be careful. She also comments that in this type, the manipulator tends to use kindness as a ruse to get what he wants. In addition, it is common for him to postpone and not fulfill his part of the deal, consequently causing damage to the victim.
• Emotional blackmail based on victimization: it is very common. It happens when the emotional blackmailer, in order to get what he wants, puts himself in the position of a misunderstood victim, arousing the feeling of pity and guilt of those who are being manipulated.
• Gaslighting: translated as “manipulation”. The professional explains that “it is a type of blackmail that occurs when the manipulator distorts information, making the victim believe that he is wrong and/or that he needs psychological help, arousing numerous doubts and a lot of emotional suffering”.
• Emotional blackmail in relationships: according to Karyne, when talking about emotional blackmail, it is very common to think of a romantic relationship. In these cases, the dynamics of the relationship revolve around the threat of an alleged end. The blackmailer will almost always be putting the couple’s union at risk, while the victim usually feels obligated to do what she doesn’t want in order not to lose her love.
• Maternal emotional blackmail: In maternal emotional blackmail, victimization is common. Karyne says that “often without realizing it, the mother puts herself in a position of fragility, of a victim, of a misunderstood person, arousing the feeling of pity and guilt on the part of the child”. In addition, she also says that this type of blackmail can occur both in childhood and in the adolescence and adult life of children. And she still believes that the most important thing to score is the care that must be taken in communication, especially with children. Phrases that seem harmless like “if you do such a thing I will be sad” is a form of emotional manipulation.
• Blackmail based on punishment: it is when the blackmailer, whether in the family, professional, romantic or social sphere, uses threats of punishment if the victim does not carry out his will. The damage put in check can be affective, physical or material and puts the victim in a position of obligation.
• Blackmail based on self-punishment: the psychologist explains that this type “occurs when the manipulator creates a distorted situation, emphasizing an alleged concern for the victim, making him believe that he will harm himself if he does not do something specific”.

As the professional explained, it is common to associate blackmail only with romantic relationships. However, they can happen in any relational scope, be it family, love or even between a friendship.

How to identify emotional blackmail?

Knowing what types of emotional blackmail are, it becomes easier to understand how to start identifying one. The professional commented on signs that, if well observed, can help identify blackmail:

• Lack of empathy: Karyne says that “usually emotional blackmailers are people with a low capacity for empathy. They tend to be extremely self-centered and centered on their own feelings and desires, so they can’t put themselves in the other’s shoes.”
• Distortion of the facts: in addition, she comments that another characteristic of these people is the tendency to distort the facts. In order not to take responsibility for something, they often manipulate information in order to change the context of things and get rid of blame.
• Blaming the other: speaking of guilt, the psychologist teaches that this is also a characteristic of an emotional blackmailer. In their manipulations, they commonly arouse the victim’s sense of guilt to get what they want, which occurs largely through the distortion of facts.
• Victimization: “Emotional blackmailers often put themselves in a victim position to get what they want. As they are extremely self-centered, they emphasize their supposed suffering and constantly put themselves in the position of a misunderstood and unhappy person”, says Karyne.
• Lack of affective responsibility: Another characteristic of emotional manipulators is that they lack affective responsibility. “It’s as if they couldn’t understand the pain or suffering of the other and almost always minimize or belittle it, devaluing the other’s feelings”, emphasizes the psychologist.
• Unstable mood: They usually have an unstable mood. When she can’t get what she wants, the professional comments that “the emotional blackmailer can quickly change his mood, showing irritated and annoyed, in order to make the other person accept to fulfill his desire”.
• Passive-aggressive behaviors: Finally, Karyne says they exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors. In social situations, for example, the emotional blackmailer may subtly make offensive remarks in a joking way, in order to “attack” the victim in some way.

What are the most common phrases said by emotional blackmailers?

• “Are you sure I said that? I would never say that kind of thing.”
• “After all I’ve done for you, is this how you repay me?”
• “It wasn’t me, you must have done it yourself.”
• “Gee, but you can’t do that for me?”
• “You will regret it if you do this!”
• “Look what you made me do!”
• “I don’t know if we’re going to work if you keep doing this.”

Phrases like these can cause emotional damage to anyone. That’s why it’s important to know how to deal with emotional blackmail and also when it’s time to ask for help. And that’s what Karyne teaches in the next topic.

How to deal with emotional blackmail?

Karyne comments that “It’s not always easy to identify emotional blackmail. In the daily life of a relationship, whatever it is, many actions go unnoticed, but still end up leading to individual wear and personal suffering.” But still, she guides that some things can help in identifying these behaviors, such as:

reflect on

Karyne suggests that it is important to “do a self-analysis to reflect on your behavior and the behavior of the other. Understand if within your relationship you are doing certain things because you really want to, or because of what the person awakens in you (usually in a negative way)”.

Hear who cares about you

Learn to listen to outsiders. Karyne comments that, “as has already been said, emotional blackmail is often difficult for the victim to identify, so it is important to know how to listen to some external opinions that may be seeing situations and behaviors that you are not”.

learn to say no

Have the courage to say no. The psychologist explains that saying no is seen by many people as something bad, but there are situations that need this denial. The “no” is the imposition of limits that must exist in any relationship, after all, it is through this that the other will understand what you like or not, what is good or not, thus delimiting a relationship of respect. and empathy.

Understand manipulator tactics

The professional also advises on seeking to understand the tactics used by the manipulator. “By understanding the contours of emotional blackmail better, you’ll be a little easier to see when it’s happening and how to stop it,” she says.

Stay away from those who blackmail

Stay away from the manipulative person for the sake of your mental health. These people will hardly assume and change their behavior, which will continue to generate psychic suffering for you.

Seek professional help

The psychologist teaches that emotional blackmail causes scars and trauma, both while it occurs and afterwards. The neutral space of psychotherapy, with reflections and outbursts, helps both in the process of identifying emotional blackmail in a relationship and in reducing psychic suffering. In addition, she also comments “that it is extremely important that the victim manages to develop maturity and emotional independence to get rid of those who cause him harm”.

report it

Karyne teaches that “emotional blackmail is a crime provided for in the Maria da Penha Law and in the Penal Code and carries a penalty of 6 months to 2 years in prison”. She also comments that the paragraph regarding psychological violence was modified in July 2021 and states: “Any conduct that causes emotional damage and decreases in self-esteem, or that harms and disturbs their full development or that aims to degrade or control their actions, behaviors, beliefs and decisions, through threats, embarrassment, humiliation, manipulation, isolation, constant surveillance, persistent persecution, insult, blackmail, violation of their privacy, ridicule, exploitation and limitation of the right to come and go or any other means that harm to psychological health and self-determination”.

Emotional blackmail is serious business and can be present in many types of relationships. That’s why it’s so important to know how to identify it, how to deal with it and, above all, ask for professional help when necessary. Enjoy and understand a little more about how psychotherapy works.