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6 things not to say when dating

The beginning of a relationship is often magical. It’s that feeling of thinking about the other 24 hours a day; hope for the weekend to arrive soon so you can meet again; plan a romantic dinner on Saturday, a movie on Sunday, among many other plans to be able to spend more time with the desired person.

However, this is also a phase in which the man and the woman are still getting to know each other more deeply, sharing ideas; starting not only a courtship, but also a relationship that should be one of friendship, respect and complicity.

And, precisely because this is a phase of mutual knowledge, it is common to want to charm your partner, show your qualities, your thoughts on different subjects, your good ideas, etc. But it is fundamental, above all, to reveal yourself to others exactly as you are.

“The most important thing is that people don’t create unrealistic self-images in order to please others”, highlights Maria Cristina Gomes, a clinical psychologist who provides individual, couple and family care, and a Personare professional.

Each person takes into a new relationship everything they have experienced so far and this is what makes them unique and special. “Certain early masks may be unavoidable, but they will not be sustained for long. Acting according to our principles and showing how we really are to the other is essential for those who want to maintain a lasting relationship, built on strong and secure foundations”, adds the professional.

“This idea reminds me of a phrase by Fernando Pessoa: ‘As long as we don’t go through the pain of our own loneliness, we will continue to look for ourselves in other halves. To live as a couple, you have to be one,’” says Maria Cristina.

But it is important to note that being yourself does not necessarily mean talking about everything that comes to mind, telling your new boyfriend all your plans for the future, remembering facts and more facts from your past, exposing, from one moment to the next , all your views, etc. All of this can convey, in a negative way, the idea that you are in a “hurry” and that you are looking, in a way, in this new relationship, for the solution to all your problems, “the meaning that was missing in your life”.

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It is impossible to generalize, after all, each woman has her way of acting, her way of talking and her own ideas. Just like men, who are unique and act differently in the face of a new relationship. But it’s a fact that there are some more “delicate” issues that don’t need to be dealt with at the beginning of a relationship – when it’s expected that both are still getting to know each other, learning to respect each other’s limits.

With all that in mind, below is a list of six things that, in general, don’t need to be discussed at the beginning of a relationship.

1. I want to get married and have children

That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your plans. Many women, in fact, intend to date, later, marry and have children. However, this is one type of subject that does not need to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.

“If we think of the beginning of a courtship as a time when a woman and a man are at the height of passion and getting to know each other, perhaps some more ‘scary’ topics, such as marriage and children, can be left for later. After all, if the couple is still getting to know each other, there hasn’t been much time for these future plans, nor whether there will be a ‘future’ yet”, says Maria Cristina.

The psychologist emphasizes that it is important to take advantage of this pleasant moment at the beginning of a relationship, in which passion and desire predominate. “However, these matters will need to be addressed if the relationship continues to last longer. Some people will decide whether or not they want to have children after being in a serious relationship on the verge of getting married, and this can lead to major conflict in the relationship,” she adds.

2. You’re way better than my ex-boyfriends

As much as it may sound like a compliment to many people, this kind of comparison is usually not welcome at the beginning of a relationship.

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This does not mean that talking about ex(s) boyfriend(s) is prohibited, often, the partner himself may end up asking one or another question regarding his previous relationships. However, in the case of statements such as “you’re way better than all my old boyfriends”, it’s worth asking yourself, first, if it’s even necessary to talk about it.

Maria Cristina Gomes highlights that care must be taken with unnecessary comparisons. “No one wants to be compared to the other all the time, even if it’s for the better. Thus, always talking about previous relationships in a negative way can give the impression that, if something doesn’t work out, the current one may be the target of the same complaints in the future. In addition, those who listen to criticism may feel that they will always need to be good enough to be within reach of the other’s expectations”, explains the psychologist.

3. You look a lot like my ex

Phrases like “you look a lot like my ex”, “my old boyfriend liked that too”, among others, can also cause an unpleasant atmosphere between the couple who are starting a relationship.

Of course, everyone has a past. As the psychologist Maria Cristina has already highlighted, each person takes into a new relationship everything they have lived so far, which makes them unique. However, talking over and over again about an old boyfriend may cause the current partner to think that you would still like to be with your ex.

4. I want you to tell me all about your past

Some people tend to be more jealous, but in order for their relationships to move forward, they will have to learn, above all, to respect the other’s space/limit. In this sense, insisting or even demanding that the new boyfriend talk about details of his previous relationships can sound very negative.

Every woman, for example, must recognize that she has a past, which cannot be changed, and therefore know that her current partner also has his or her past. “That is, before the current relationship, there were other people, who were, or not, important to each one, at a certain stage”, says Maria Cristina.

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“But the important thing is the experience with the current relationship. One should be careful with some exaggerations, such as asking the partner to tear up all photos of previous relationships, etc. This can be an indication of great insecurity and that can generate later conflicts”, highlights the psychologist.

5. No man pays

Generalizations like this—probably based on past disappointments or third-party relationships—can hardly be viewed well by a man, even more so at the beginning of a relationship.

Saying that “no man is good” implies, in a way, that you don’t believe in this relationship that is starting, since, according to the statement, your new boyfriend can’t be a reliable person either.

6. I don’t like your friend(s)

As much as you’ve met a friend of your boyfriend’s and haven’t identified with him, think twice before talking about it. Is this judgment not being hasty?

Chances are, you will have the opportunity to meet this friend of your boyfriend’s again, over the course of dating, and the bad impression can pass.

But if, in fact, you don’t like one or more of your boyfriend’s friends, remember, first of all, that you have no right to interfere with his opinion of other people. Try to understand the reasons that make them good friends and, above all, respect that.

If you still decide to share your thoughts with your boyfriend about his friends, do so in a “handy” way and at an opportune moment – preferably when he asks you this question himself. That way, you won’t be hiding what you feel and will still be respecting your partner’s space and choices.

As already mentioned, it is not possible to generalize. Each person is one way. Therefore, it is not possible to say with certainty what one should or should not say to the next. But, of course, all the above tips are guidelines that can/should be considered.

And so, acting according to your personality and values, and always using common sense and respect for the space of others, all kinds of matters will naturally flow between you and your new boyfriend, at the appropriate time.

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