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5 lies about marriage

The first step in a healthy relationship is having a heart-to-heart talk with yourself.
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There are many lies about marriage that need to be unmasked and fought. Only then will you be able to preserve a healthy relationship. Happy marriage is a daily achievement, which requires as much effort as a successful professional career. Recognizing this fragility and building a project to preserve it is vital to not see your union end up in divorce, a difficult and painful experience.

Check out some lies and truths:

1. Lie – you just need love and everything will work out

Truth – Love alone is not enough for a successful marriage.

Many people persist in believing that marriage motivated by romantic love has the extraordinary power to ward off serious problems in life. Make no mistake: this story of finding a soul mate, the person who will love us unconditionally until the end of time, no matter what we do, is pure illusion. Your partner in the marriage adventure isn’t perfect or fortune-telling, and you’ll need to tell him what makes you feel loved and how far your tolerance goes. The first step is to have a frank conversation with yourself. For example, if you have a mania for order or you can’t stand him being late, assume these desires and discuss them openly. This way you will give the other the opportunity to accept these limits or you will clearly see how much you will have to fight to try to change them. In general, people avoid the subjects that can produce friction in the relationship – money, sex, raising children – without realizing that they are exactly the ones that cause the most separations. They also tend to ignore what seems unimportant to them: the uncovered toothpaste, the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, the shuffled newspaper. If you avoid these little problems, they won’t go away; on the contrary, they will slowly undermine the relationship.

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2. lie – I talk all the time and he doesn’t listen to me

Truth – Good communication requires much more than a heart-to-heart conversation.

We live in a society that encourages us to be open about our feelings, but doesn’t teach us to talk about them without aggression. If we come home irritated, it’s easy to take it out on our partner and kids and turn the night so sour. In a perfect world, we should be able to say, “Hey, I’ve had a bad day and I need half an hour to relax. I’ll be back in a little while so we can talk more.” In theory, any adult is capable of calming down no matter how bad the day has been. It turns out that if someone reacts badly to us, we have an amazing ability to retaliate in kind, producing a spiral of disappointment and resentment. When love turns to disappointment, it is natural that there is an emotional detachment, and the separation may only be a matter of time. Hence the importance of mastering communication, avoiding anger, contempt and sarcasm. Always try to talk first about what hurts you, not your irritation. Ask in good faith, clearly and kindly expressing your wishes rather than making demands. Express your feelings without giving the conversation a judgmental tone; this brings couples together and favors lasting intimacy.

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3. lie – People do not change

Truth – Change is always possible, and small changes produce big results.

Sooner or later, in most couples’ therapy, someone always asks if people can really change. This is possible, yes. The question is what can change and the factors that prevent change. The biggest obstacle is the belief that it’s not you who needs fixing – the problem is with the other person. To avoid this pitfall, keep in mind that change is a struggle toward maturity and that it is our obligation to grow within the marital relationship. In other words, improve. And how much do you need to change to get your marriage out of stagnation? In general, very little. The secret is to encourage the smallest possible change in your spouse that will satisfy you and, at the same time, convince your partner that it won’t be that bad. This attitude is called the 10% solution. Jacobs remembers seeing a woman who didn’t work outside the home and complaining that her husband never called during the day to check on her. With that, she didn’t feel loved. He suggested to this husband that, however busy he was, he should call once a week; the woman, for her part, would commit to having brief conversations. It was such a small change in the routine that it seemed ridiculous to say “no”: they accepted the suggestion. Today, he calls several times a week, the woman feels remembered and the relationship has improved. Bring changes to the table that will help you and your marriage. Make small requests, calmly and without accusations. Explain the reasons. It could be the chance your marriage needs to continue healthy.

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4. lie – When you get married, you start your own family

Truth – You bring your family of origin to the wedding, no matter how hard you try to keep them apart.

Those who want to preserve a loving relationship for many years need to be aware of the influence of family traditions on their lives. Many couples end up repeating undesirable situations, either perpetuating the pattern or creating a new, but equally harmful, model. A child who grows up watching his parents fight can, for example, imitate them in adult life. Or avoiding conflict at all costs, which is just as bad. It is important to know how to recognize the negative patterns that we inherit from our family and to make conscious choices without ceasing to affirm our love. Seek to maintain a good relationship with your parents and never cut ties completely, even though family influence is very complicated. Blood ties are forever.

5. lie – Same-sex marriage is easier than traditional marriage

Truth – Equal marriage allows you to negotiate differences more fairly, but often with great difficulty.

A new model of marriage is on the rise. In it, husband and wife want to have an equal voice in the partnership. They share responsibilities and make joint decisions about expenses and future plans. When they have children, they usually commit to sharing the obligations equally. In theory, it’s a welcome change from the marriages of the past. In practice, the passage from the old to the new paradigm is full of pitfalls. Many men expect a woman to work and contribute, but they continue to assume that she will take care of the house. Many women neglect housekeeping or raising children because they are more concerned with their career. Most couples are in a quandary and blame each other for frustration with their roles. The output for this node is to draw up a list of tasks that must be divided fairly, taking into account some questions: who does it better? Who loves or hates doing a certain job? Can you take turns? Once the duties and responsibilities are fixed, it is necessary to practice the art of remaining silent, without trampling, while the other person does his part. And notice and praise the effort of the other. It’s amazing how couples forget about this.

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