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10 tips to put an end – once and for all – to your child’s tantrums

Never get the child’s attention by screaming. Emphasize that there are things that cannot be admitted
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Few things can put a parent’s serenity and patience to the test like a child’s tantrums. The behavior can happen at any stage, but it is between 2 and 4 years that it is most common and expected. Reason? At this age, they are developing their identity and their own will begins to manifest. As they are dependent, they face limitations. “The little one thinks he can do anything and when faced with the ‘no’ he gets frustrated and loses control”, reveals psychologist Deborah Roz, from the Children’s Institute at Hospital das Clínicas (SP). By yelling, your child basically means that she wants to do things his way and not the way adults ask. “The child has not yet developed the ability to know how to wait. The lack of notion of time makes her want something immediately and, when she doesn’t get it, she suffers a terrible heartbreak”, explains the psychologist Dora Lorch, in the book Superdicas para Educar Bem Seu Filho (Ed. Saraiva). The parents’ attitude towards the outbursts can ease or worsen the condition. The important thing is to know that it is possible to reduce the frequency and intensity of behavior, teaching, for example, more appropriate forms of expression. When tantrums become a habit, they end up becoming a personality trait in the future. To not take the risk, see what to do.

1. Never lose control

As difficult as it may be to remain calm in the face of your child’s scandal, take a deep breath, control yourself and wait for him to calm down. If necessary, take it to a secluded location. Remember that this is normal, albeit unpleasant, behavior. If he tries to hurt himself during the agitation, hold him tight and tell him to calm down. “Believe me, this tactic works and that’s how the little ones learn to respect others”, says Deborah Roz. You must converse in a friendly tone. If so, you can even lift him off the ground and pick him up. He needs to understand that you love him, but that such behavior is not acceptable. A good device to divert attention from the tantrum is to ask the child for help in some activity: show how important her collaboration is.

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2. Explain the reasons

When you say “no”, tell why. “Children don’t know what rules are there for, so they need to hear the reasons to assimilate the information,” says Deborah. The more she understands that you mean her best, the less she will make scandals. But know that the child does not always understand that the same rule applies to more than one situation, which will require the parents to repeat it. For example, your child needs to know that climbing on a bookcase is just as dangerous as climbing on a table.

3. Understand what’s going on

Wait for the crisis to calm down and then talk to the child. Ask what happened, listen to what she has to say and analyze whether that behavior is normal or exaggerated. Example: if your little one started screaming because he doesn’t want to go to school anymore, before taking him by force or punishing him, understand what’s going on. It could be that some friend is teasing him and this is the way he found to avoid it.

4. Lead by example

It is important for parents to model good self-control. It’s no use saying that throwing a tantrum is ugly if when you get angry you act slamming doors and screaming. This behavior is similar to that of the emotional and impulsive crybaby. “Adults’ attitudes and comments are absorbed daily by children”, warns Dora Lorch. Teach respect by respecting.

5. Make combinations

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If your child is in the mood for not doing his homework, listen to the reasons and involve him in the decision by making an agreement. For example: the task will not be done at that time, but before dinner. Taking into account the child’s desire creates the possibility for them to reflect. She feels recognized as a person and learns to take responsibility for her actions. The agreement must have some kind of reward, if fulfilled, and consequences, if not. Otherwise, the effort is worthless and your child will think that rules don’t need to be obeyed.

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6. Be firm on the essentials

There are tantrums that are non-negotiable. Be firm in the following matters: it is not allowed to disrespect parents or relatives and it is necessary to go to school, get vaccinated, go to the doctor, brush your teeth… order and what the consequences will be and covers another attitude of hers.

7. Don’t be afraid

Using lying threats to frighten the child, such as saying you are going to “hand her over to the bag man” is not cool. One of two things: either your child will be completely terrified without being able to obey what is being asked, or he will realize that the threats are not real and will stop believing in you. It is best to always tell the truth.

8. Do not hit or threaten

Ok, sometimes the tantrum is so maddening that it makes you want to use force. For experts, a slap does not teach, does not transmit values, does not build reflective people. Threatening to hit and not complying is equally unproductive: the child realizes that you don’t do what you say and starts to use this against you. The ideal is to look for other forms of reprimand other than spanking.

9. Be careful when punishing

Never get the child’s attention by screaming. Emphasize that there are things that cannot be accepted. If after the conversation your child continues to act out of control, let him know that there will be no further dialogue and that he will go to time-out. Put him to think about what happened for some time – always one minute for each age. For example: if the child is 2 years old, leave him in time-out for two minutes. Another option is, right after the misbehavior, to take away from the little one something that he likes a lot, like the TV or video game. After the time-out, act normally without apologizing, as this is an educational measure.

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10. Praise

Parents tend to complain that their children are just work. In fact, they forget about the wonderful things that children do too. Praising is essential for the self-esteem of little ones. When your child fulfills an agreement or understands that something desired cannot be given immediately, praise his understanding.

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